No way is that a red. This Richarlison is some player. Can we finish a match with eleven men some time this season? What’s going on – these signings are actually good? West Ham – seriously? Robbed there. What a goal Siggi – but no more penalties. Bernard’s going to be a world beater. Stop pissing about in the League Cup! We’ve won away! Bernard’s struggling isn’t he. Where’s Gomes and Mina? We’ll never beat the ‘Big 6.’ Seamus reads social media. Gomes does exist! And he’s brilliant too! Theo and Cenk have gone shit. I’m falling in love with Andre Gomes. Start Lookman. We’re actually starting to look good. Don’t start Lookman – he’s better as a sub. We could get top 6 this season. The Andre Gomes pictures on my desktop and constant appearances in my search history? Nothing to worry about love – it’s just erm, research. What – the – fuck – were you thinking there? We’ll beat these two. We didn’t beat these two. I said no more penalties for you. There’s no way we’ll finish top 6 this season.
Liverpool face an injury scare ahead of this weekend’s Merseyside derby with news that referee Chris Kavanagh is nursing a tight hamstring. The official picked up the knock at Brighton last weekend – though he is expected to recover in time to face the blues on Sunday.
With such a reliance on pace, pressing, and biased officiating, an injury in such a key position would be a massive blow to Jurgen Klopp’s men.
The German stated: “It’s important we all work together as a team to achieve results. That means every one of us has to do our bit to make sure every decision goes our way. The team, the fans, the officials, the pundits, the football association – everyone has to be on our side. Referee is a key position in our team. You have a sexy voice by the way,” he added in a not at all weird overly sexual way, completely appropriately for a pre-match press conference.
Everton plan to capitalise on the success and profile of star midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson.
It is widely accepted that there were missed opportunities to gain a foothold in both the Australian and American markets when both Tim Cahill and Tim Howard were at the height of their powers. The club are determined not to make the same mistake, and CEO Denise Barrett-Baxendale outlined their plans:
“40,000 Norwegians make the trip to Liverpool every other week – so why can’t a handful of Icelanders too? We didn’t spend £45m on a player without intending to capitalise on the lucrative market that is the most sparsely populated country in Europe.”
“We’ll be running a series of adverts around Reykjavik to let people know who Everton are. And for fans back home, we’ll also be offering an offal smorgasbord on match days, so people will be able to sample some authentic Icelandic cuisine like cured shark, singed sheep heads and broiled puffin. I’m not expecting it to be that much of a leap into the unknown after what’s been going into the pies during the last 20 years.”
Andre Gomes capped off a fine debut performance for Everton last weekend by being the first Everton midfielder in just over a year and a half to successfully play a forward pass.
Morgan Schneiderlin Mark I was the last player to achieve such a feat, though his pass was possibly accidental. It was also an act never to be repeated, as the pre-season upgrade to the Schneiderlin Mark II model disabled the forward pass feature along with the settings for effort, desire and ability.
This weekend’s trip to Manchester will give the bearded Portuguese heartthrob a chance to repeat the feat, and the apathetic Frenchman a slim chance of warming the bench – if that also isn’t too much trouble for him.
There is mounting discontent in and around Goodison as Everton’s squad of typically average players continue to put in average performances. Worryingly, Marco Silva – over the course of a full pre-season, has failed to transform the terrible signings of Koeman, Walsh and Allardyce into a side capable of challenging for the top four. Even the quality players signed by Moyes, though on their last legs, have somehow failed to rediscover the form they had several years ago when they were in their thirties and still able to run.
In addition to Silva’s inherited squad of over-priced, second-rate shite; several signings were made over the summer – but even these have failed to make an impact. Bernard has now played several minutes for the club without registering a goal, whilst both Mina and Gomes have made no difference whatsoever to the team. Yes, neither have yet played – but is that a good enough excuse?
The frustration felt by fans is magnified when a glance over the park sees resurgent neighbours Liverpool look like they could be valid contenders for second place in the Premier League. Klopp also has cup pedigree, and there is a strong belief that yet again he could deliver a runners-up place in one of the two remaining cups.
Meanwhile, back at Goodison there’s now a legitimate fear that Everton are heading for mid-table – a fate they have only endured 20 times since the formation of the Premier League.
Marco Silva will be bald by?
B) The end of the season
C) Leicester away
The level of dread prior to Everton’s next game against Bournemouth is at a two year low according to figures released today.
Levels have returned to ’actually quite looking forward to it’ for the first time since early in the Koeman reign, down several points from last seasons high of ’christ I honestly can’t take another minute of this.’
Experts forecast that the spell could last as long as the trip to the Emirates at the end of September, or just as likely nosedive by the visit of Huddersfield next weekend.
It’s been revealed that ‘fear of being loaned to Stoke’ is the key reason behind Everton’s apparent upturn in form.
Several of last seasons under-performers, including Morgan Schneiderlin, have put in noticeably better performances so far this season. The Frenchman confirmed:
“I was putting in a shift in against Southampton. Thankfully, I got injured after 20 minutes so I didn’t have to do it for the whole game – but for at least 20 minutes I was almost jogging about. The thought of having to play in front of Ashley Williams and Cuco Martina for another season terrified me.”
It’s rumoured that Marco Silva and Marcel Brands intend to put even more pressure on some of the fringe players this week. Talk that they’re prepared to go as far as threatening them with having to play under Tony Pulis at Middlesbrough should not be taken lightly by anyone on the clubs’ books.
Kevin Mirallas is trying to force his way into Marco Silva’s plans by putting in a series of good pre-season performances.
The Belgian snake (30) has also been muscling his way onto free-kick duties, and is relishing stealing the next penalty kick, whilst our spineless captain watches on in silence.
The pattern of a handful of decent performances followed by a period of sulking and down-tooling, is of course textbook Mirallas. However, it is not clear this time what his motivation is. Having arrived in Athens to a returning hero’s welcome, only to be chased back to the airport a few months later by a mob of seething Greeks, another dream-move to Olympiakos is no longer on the cards. Whilst Everton themselves are already well-stocked in the non-prolific striker and inconsistent winger departments.
Rumours around Finch Farm suggest that his motivation relates to a wager he is having with the equally ophidian Morgan Schneiderlin.