Premier League fixtures for the 2018/19 season have been leaked ahead of their official release on the 14th June.
In what is now a customary ploy to destabilise the club and ensure the blues don’t break back into the top six, Everton have been handed a typically tough run of fixtures to start the season.
The blues will travel to the Bernabéu on the opening day to face European Champions Real Madrid, before a tough home fixture against Bayern Munich. They return to Spain a week later to take on Ernesto Valverde’s Barcelona, before a testing trip back in time for a game against the 1970 Brazil team at the Maracanã.
The second fixture at Goodison will see Everton take on a World Cup 2018 all-star eleven, whilst fans demand Marco Silva’s well-groomed head.
There are only a handful of days left to get irrationally angry about flags.
In just over a weeks’ time there will be no further opportunities for internal seething at the sight of a flag. Miniature flags on car doors, flags hanging out of windows or on shops or pubs you plan to boycott. Misspelt flags. Flags with failed attempts at humour, badly drawn birds, messages designed to goad, and jokes about chicken. Flags on the houses of people who have suddenly developed an interest in football, and with it a long-held loyalty to a club they know nothing about.
All of these flags, and more – will disappear as quickly as they first appeared. Once this is the case, people are advised that it is then okay to revert to their usual behaviour of needlessly getting annoyed when they see a Liverpool kit on a three year old in ASDA.
Flag-rage season itself will resume when England kick off their World Cup campaign against Tunisia on June 18th.
Team on a bad run?
Legitimate fears of relegation?
Maybe you just crave tedious, overly negative football?
Whatever your reasons – don’t be afraid to Allardyce.
Call Sam now and get that help you need.
There is no shame in Allardycing, many clubs have done it before, and many more will too. Make the call, and within days Sam and his crack-team of touchline Sammy and doing something in the stands Craig can be there to help. All it takes is a massive pay check and a short-term contract.
No one said Allardycing is easy. It can be painful to watch and the effects of it can last for years. But together we can pull through. Within a season or two, you can once again be safe in mid-table and playing free-flowing attack minded football.
If you, or any other club you know, need Sam’s help – then reach out today. Make that call. Or bring a brown envelope.
Suffer in your thousands – not alone.
The football media has spent the weekend frothing at the mouth at the sight of a handful of Evertonians not wanting to accept mediocrity. Pundits, journalists, radio phone-in hosts and assorted experts in the world of football (some of whom have managed a football team for a handful of games, but all of which know a lot more about football than you), have extensively watched minutes of Everton highlights to conclude that the fans have no right to accept anything other than mediocrity.
“Everton have no right to try and break the dominance of the current big six,” said seventeen ex-Liverpool players without an agenda. “Who do they think they are – wanting to mix it with historical big-hitters like Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City? They need to stick with Sam Allardyce. He’s as good as secured 8th place for them, and there’s no reason why he can’t do that again next year.”
It is hard to question their logic. Allardyce has completely turned around the fortunes of the club. When appointed earlier in the season, Everton were languishing thirty points adrift at the foot of the Premiership table, and almost overnight he turned them into the 1970 Brazil team. With a memorable draw away at Swansea, and a shot at home to Newcastle – the expensively assembled blues squad have consistently demolished Champions League standard opposition and stormed from lower mid-table to mid-table under his stewardship.
“There is no team in England who wouldn’t want Sam as their manager,” said another ex-red pundit, whist trying not to laugh, “I think he should be offered a contract extension.”
Everton have issued a ‘Fans Survey’ to help them determine whether to fire manager Sam Allardyce. You would think the decision would be as certain as a Funes Mori barbecue this weekend, but it seems the club are still unsure as to whether or not he should be relieved of his duties at the end of the season.
Allardyce, who has now achieved his two objectives of helping the blues reach 40 points, and ensuring they play turgid anti-football in the process, is still in the Goodison hot-seat. Like a straggler who won’t leave a party, or a relative who won’t go home after Christmas – he is currently overseeing preparations of how to secure a ‘vital point’ at home to Newcastle on Monday night.
Viewed as harsh by some outsiders, the wording of the question in point could have been simplified to:
How would you like to see Sam Allardyce relieved of his duties?
A) Via the telephone
. B) Via an email.
C) Via a message in a Fortune Pie. D) Why the hell is he still here?
Other questions seemed aimed at ascertaining whether fans were still happy that the club was a rudderless, shambolic, amateurish mess, in complete disarray from board to pitch level. Some examples being:
On a scale of 0-10, with 10 being “I Completely Agree” and 0 being “I Strongly Agree.” Please rate the following:
- It has never been so demoralising or soul destroying to support Everton as it has been this season.
- I don’t have faith in the board successfully making their way to Goodison Park on Monday night, never mind taking us to Bramley-Moore in 4 years’ time.
- Everton need to pull their finger out and actually employ some people who can SORT OUT THE MESS.
Yannick Bolasie expressed his delight at scoring his biennial goal during Everton’s complete mauling at the hands of Manchester City.
The Congolese winger bagged the blues’ second half consolation, his second goal for the club and first since returning from a cruciate ligament injury.
“I’m delighted to score, but it was more important that as a team we continued to put in a spineless, almost pre-season like performance, that shows the fans just how much we all care.”
“I like to try and score a goal every two years, and hadn’t netted since 2016, so it was good to get one today and hopefully I can get another before the end of 2020 – if I’m still here riding this gravy train,” he laughed.
“Was there a war on, Dad?”
“Erm, they were certainly dark times son…”
Blues’ fans are to be given a warm weather break in Dubai.
It is hoped that a week long break away from all things Everton might go some way to helping people take their minds off the living hell that is Everton Football Club.
However, genuine concerns have been raised that the amount of alcohol readily available in Dubai may not be sufficient to numb the pain of the past three years, and the realisation that we’re still terrible and managed by Sam Allardyce.
Supporters not lucky enough to secure tickets to Dubai have been asked to remain in the UK and to continue arguing amongst themselves.
Theo Walcott completed his switch from Arsenal to Everton yesterday, and stated that he ‘believed Sam Allardyce could reignite his career.’
The 28 year old (who has clearly spent the majority of this season immaculately trimming his beard, rather than watching the blues’ abject performances), spent his first day at Finch Farm confusing Allardyce with someone else.
The attacking winger is expected to nail down one of the six defensive midfield positions in Allardyce’s favoured 4-6-0 formation. It is hoped that within the first few games, Everton can mount a sustained push for a shot on target – a feat last achieved in late December.
In his first interview as an Everton player, the England international also stated that ‘the manager was very hungry’, so at least he got that part right.