Everton striker Romelu Lukaku has shaken the world of football with several astounding revelations this evening. The prolific Belgian decided it was time to come clean after ‘living a lie for the best part of 20 years.‘ In an exclusive interview, he revealed to us the secrets and lies that have tormented him for so long:
He wasn’t a boyhood Evertonian!
The striker has always maintained that he was a boyhood Evertonian, and that he would spend weekends sat in the Gwladys Street watching his strike heroes Danny Cadamarteri and Tomasz Radzinski. When in reality he wasn’t! He doesn’t even know who they are!
He doesn’t care about the team!
Contrary to everything he’s ever said, about how much he cares about the team, his teammates, and the club in general – it turns out that he actually only cares about himself!
He doesn’t care about the fans!
The fans have idolised many players throughout Everton’s long and illustrious history. These players have worshipped the supporters back. However, the unique rapport that Lukaku shared with the Goodison faithful was unrivalled by any player who had gone before him. In the many games where he disappeared, or just walked around occasionally failing to trap a ball – you could feel the love. They loved him – and he loved them. Or so they thought – but that was a lie too – he didn’t give a shit!
He does want Champions League football!
Though continually stating that he has no interest in playing Champions League football, that he was happy having a crack at winning a Europa League place every other season, and that the sheer honour of playing for Everton Football Club was all he ever wanted – it turns out that he does want to play in the Champions League – very much so!
All of these revelations will come as a blow to many Evertonians, however please spare a thought for the many football media outlets who wanted nothing more than to see Lukaku stay and flourish at Everton. Our thoughts are with them all at this troubling time.
The Everton News section of local newspaper The Liverpool Echo have once again confused the sports of boxing and football. It seems that there is still a misunderstanding within the football editorial team that the boxer Tony Bellew is not a footballer, but in fact a boxer. Further news on the upcoming title fight for the boxer Tony Bellew is once again appearing in the Everton news section, even though it’s a boxing match that the boxer Tony Bellew is taking part in, and not a football match – for Everton.
“I thought it would be quite clear that he was a boxer, as they’re reporting on him preparing for a boxing match. But maybe they think he plays for, or manages Everton football club,” said Everton fan Mick Saveloy.
“Maybe it’s because he supports Everton that they think we would give the slightest shit about it? If so, that’s a bit presumptuous isn’t it? I mean, my uncle also supports Everton, but he’s a completely boring bastard and no one would give a crap what he was up to.”
In other Everton related news: Amanda Holden is looking forward to the next series of Britain’s Got Talent, Elton Welsby is still looking for work, and Keith in the accounts department plans to tidy up his allotment.
Tom Davies was awarded the PFA Fans’ Player of the Month award for January, following his long-anticipated breakthrough into the Everton first team. The teenager has strung together a series of impressive performances for the club, since his first start of the season in the victory against Southampton.
U23 coach David Unsworth, who has overseen the development of the youngster from West Derby, believes he has what it takes to follow in the steps of other players who have made the transition from promising Academy talent to first teamer:
“Tom can follow in the footsteps of the talent we have produced over the last 20 years, it’s really up to him. He could get into drugs and maybe crime, become terrible at football and just end up playing in League One. Alternatively, he could be really good, leave for a club in the Champions League – come back to Goodison, kiss someone else’s badge in front of the Gwladys Street as he’s being booed, anything really – he has the world at his feet.”
Bill Kenwright also shared his thoughts on the youngster, but it involved several bouts of crying and 86,000 words which we couldn’t be bothered typing out.
The charity that is Everton Football Club is thinking of venturing into football.
An illustrious history has seen the charity complete many notable achievements, such as donating at least 4 points every season to Liverpool FC, giving generous contracts to clearly incompetent managers, and providing a lucrative income for the long-term injured and those with drug and alcohol problems.
They now feel that the time is right to diversify, and attempt to be successful at football. This isn’t the first time that they have embarked on such a venture. In fact, it has only been thirty years since the charity last made a concerted effort to try and be a force in the game. That wasn’t sustainable – mainly due to restrictions about trading in Europe. However, the new regime believe that there is now an opportunity to try once more.
Addressing concerns about football being a distraction, they have confirmed that their main focus will continue to be their charitable endeavours.
Everton’s fortunes have taken a turn for the better since the start of the year. The turnaround coinciding with Koeman promoting players such as Tom Davies, Mason Holgate and Dominic Calvert-Lewin from the youth setup. However, the Dutchman still carries a reputation as a Manager with a reluctance to blood youth, which he queried:
“I don’t know where this reputation has come from. I am always happy to bring younger players into the first team. It’s not like I didn’t have a choice is it. You could hardly say we were inactive in the summer transfer window, or that I inherited a squad full of old crocks that had just been walking around for the last two years. My hand wasn’t forced at all.”
On the youth set-up at USM Finch Farm, he also added:
“Just last week I bumped into Kevin Unsworth at the coffee machine, and I’ve met the other guy as well – Dave Sheedy, or whatever he’s called. Great guys, doing great jobs. I like to keep a close eye on how their teams are doing. Though I obviously haven’t seen them play – have you ever commuted back to Cheshire from Southport? It’s a nightmare, it’s not like I’m being paid £6m a year for the privilege!”
On the back of this weeks’ General Meeting, Everton showed their newfound ruthless streak by managing to exit both domestic cup competitions by the 7th January.
In stark contrast to last years cup exploits – which saw blues fans have to endure a protracted cup run as far as the semi-final in both the FA and League Cups, there have been no similar problems this year. A capitulation at home to Leicester City, mean Koeman’s boys made light work of exiting both competitions early – winning only one game in either cup.
The result means Everton can now concentrate on their top priority of trying to keep hold of that exclusive seventh place in the premier league. And that Liverpool can make a new fucking banner.
The Decepticon leader and archenemy of Optimus Prime replaces Chang as the official shirt sponsor of Everton in a five year deal.
A sentient robotic life-form from the planet Cybertron, Megatron’s main business areas are focussed on transforming into a P38 handgun, a telescopic laser cannon, and waging war against the Autobots.
The club were unavailable for comment, but the shift in emphasis from sponsorship by a weak, tasteless, Asian beer to that of a robotic villain, alludes to a more ruthless streak being adopted by the club going forward.
The sponsorship deal also breaks new ground in it being the first ever between a Premiership club and a fictional Hasbro character.
More to follow.
Bluespoof have uncovered an ambitious plan to send Tom Cleverley to the Africa Cup of Nations rather than Idrissa Gueye. The influential midfielder is set to miss several fixtures in the new year whilst representing Senegal at the tournament in Gabon. Everton however, deem the player far too valuable to their premiership cause to allow him to leave.
It is believed that theatrical impresario Bill Kenwright, utilised his contacts within the industry to perform the extensive makeover required to pull off the ruse. The resulting disguise was said to be so convincing that the Senegalese team and management would have been more likely to discover it was Cleverley, not from the disguise itself, but from his abysmal midfield play.
Rather then being offended, Cleverley himself was said to have been keen on the plan; having not had the opportunity to disappoint an entire nation since his last appearance for England in November 2013.
As tensions reached boiling point between supporters of Everton and the playing staff and manager, following a disastrous run of spineless performances; the Everton team decided it was time to deliver a hard-fought victory against title chasing Arsenal on Tuesday evening.
“I think we’d tested the fans patience enough. We weren’t sure how far we could push it, but Watford seemed like the tipping point. The Arsenal game felt like the right time to top-up the levels of false-optimism which had completely drained away from the start of the season. Especially with the derby being up next – it’s good they have some misplaced belief going into that. It seemed to work anyway, I saw them lapping it up online – talking about us having turned a corner, maybe even being able to beat Liverpool. All really funny stuff. Normal service will be resumed next week – don’t you worry about that,” said a player after the game. Phil Jagielka or someone, he’ll do.
Tired of seeing no shots on target? See the game like Koeman – with Ronnie’s Chance Spex!