Everton eventually land their man.
Everton eventually land their man.
James McCarthy’s inclusion in the Everton squad has irked his international manager Martin O’Neill. The Republic of Ireland midfielder has not only been called-up, but selected by Ronald Koeman during Everton’s pre-season schedule.
Controversially, FIFA rules state that if called-up by his domestic club, he is expected to represent them – even though they only pay his wages and have him contractually tied to the club.
O’Neill was rightly furious at the situation, and was quick to express his anger, “I think it’s a disgrace that he has had to travel out to Holland and Belgium with the Everton squad. He met up with the team several times last season – it’s a joke. Is he even injured at the moment? What use is he in the squad without a hamstring injury?”
Roy Keane was walking his dogs and unavailable for comment. But he would have just said something with the aim of trying to irk someone, like the tragic character he has become.
Keane earlier. Possibly the 1800’s.
The 2017/18 season will be Gareth Barry’s 40th season in professional football. The 57 year old now proudly holds the records for both slowest movement and most professional fouls in the Premiership era.
The veteran midfielder said, “I love the game and am happy to continue playing until the day someone realises I am contributing absolutely nothing to the team. I thought it might be last year, but no – still here, drawing a massive wage. Fantastic.”
Ronald Koeman was quick to heap praise, citing Barry’s experience as invaluable to the team:
“It’s experience above all else that Gareth brings to the table. When we’re being overrun by a young, dynamic midfield; Gareth is able to say – I’ve seen this happen before.”
Everton will play a pre-season friendly in Tanzania as part of the new sponsorship deal with African betting firm SportPesa. The blues will face Gor Mahia FC in the inaugural Guaranteed To Get Injured Via a Dodgy Pitch or Mistimed Tackle Cup.
The club, who in the 1990’s were unable to employ a qualified coach, and almost folded due to gross financial mismanagement – will face the fifteen time champions of Kenya.
Manager Ronald Koeman said he was looking forward to the fixture, but wished to stress that games at this stage of pre-season were less about results, and more about fitness and not being airlifted home with a career threatening injury.
The blues are expected to take a large travelling contingent to the Dar es Salaam Stadium for the game, with several coaches having departing County Road on 4th June, for the match on 13th July.
Architect Dan Meis, who is in charge of designing the new ground for Everton FC, has asked to be inundated with daily suggestions on what features to incorporate into the stadium. In particular, he wants to hear the same limited number of suggestions over and over again.
The California based architect expressed concerns that no one seemed to be taking an interest in the project:
“I post a little teaser on Twitter and there’s literally no bites. No one seems to care whether the ground should have steep stands, seating close to the pitch, whether it should look exactly like West Ham’s new ground, or just copy a lot of its features. I’ve only been designing world class sporting arenas for over twenty years – do they think I’ll be able to pull this off without the input of Terry from Knotty Ash?”
Initial designs for the ground have been drafted and are available to view, but Meis says that nobody has contacted him with a desire to see them:
“Rather than some big event, the plan has always been to just randomly launch the stadium designs via a reply to a Tweet from a stranger. But in the last five seconds, literally nobody has asked to see them.”
After the capture of Jordan Pickford and Davy Klaassen, normality has finally been restored with the protracted transfer of Sandro Ramirez.
The double swoop for the Sunderland stopper and Ajax captain left Evertonians in a rage – denied their obligatory soap opera, as for the first time in the clubs history, Everton moved quickly and effectively to tie up two transfers in the space of 24 hours. Lessons have been learnt following that mistake, and it is with much relief that the signing of the Spanish striker has now returned to the obligatory realm of farce. Everton fan Mike Sullen from Garston, raged:
“I was livid when we announced Pickford and Klaassen. They virtually came out of the blue. One minute we were linked with them, the next they were signed. It’s not a proper transfer window unless there’s fake sightings of a player in Liverpool, made up rumours on Twitter, medicals and fees agreed, and then Arsenal or someone in the Champions League gazumping us at the last minute. Thankfully this Sandro character seems to be messing us about. He looks like he gets the club. The transfer windows over the last 20 years have all been about theatre, I’m not sure why, it’s just how it is.”
Following a period of extensive research on social media, scientists have now concluded that it takes an average of four months for Everton supporters to forget that Gerard Deulofeu is terrible.
The 23 year old, who joined AC Milan on loan during the January transfer window, looks set to return to the blues this summer. Prior to his departure, he put in a series of inconspicuous and frustrating performances for the toffees, which meant little sleep was lost when the winger was shipped out.
Scientists observed, that exactly four months later – fans once more believed that the Spaniard could be effective in the Premiership, that he wasn’t a one-trick show pony, and most bafflingly of all – that he would one day last more than sixty minutes of a game before collapsing on the pitch like an asthmatic pensioner who smokes his way through fifty a day.
Sources close to the player believe that the inconsistent winger himself hopes to revive his Everton career, after seeing the club recently announce a new deal for the inconsistent winger Kevin Mirallas.
Ross Barkley has been advised to wait for interest, before putting pen to paper on a new contract with Everton Football Club. Not interest from other clubs, but interest from the general match going public as to whether he actually decides to stay or not.
Various distractions such as a general election, the sun coming out, and the fact that his will-he-won’t-he stay debacle has ran on for the best part of a season has meant that most fans have pretty much given up caring as to whether he stays or not.
His advisors also think he may have missed the boat, “With hindsight, maybe we should have told him to sign during the last six weeks of the season – when literally nothing was happening at the club – particularly on the pitch. Instead we just posted the odd photo on Instagram, and got him to pose with cans of Sure deodorant.”
With the transfer window about to open again, Evertonians are once again more interested in who they will be linked with, and ultimately fail to sign, than they are with players already at the club.
“Maybe in mid-August when the club have failed to bring in absolutely anyone of note and the fans are desperate for any good news we could pick it up again – post a cryptic message on social media or something”, said some completely annoying tit from the Barkley camp.