Ashley Williams is to receive a custom made kit for the rest of the season. The kit will feature an extra-long polo neck which will cover his entire face.
Manufacturers Umbro had noted that on several occasions, the clueless defender had been trying to pull his shirt over his face whenever one of his horrendous mistakes led to a goal. The new kit aims to eliminate that problem, leaving his face permanently covered – and Williams unable to see anything happening in front of him. The Everton coaching staff believe that the loss of vision that Williams will face, will not have any further negative impact on his play.
It is thought that given the dross football that has been served up this season so far. The kit could actually be a big seller with fans unlucky enough to be within Goodison on a match day.
No Ronnie in the September Manager of the Month vote. Typical anti-Everton bias.
Like just any old manager could have picked up a point in the Europa League.
Concerns have been raised over Mark Lawrenson’s wellbeing after he predicted Everton to win. The dour football pundit with a penchant for the word ‘moment’ has been predicting Premiership results on the BBC website for the past fifty years, and has only once predicted anything but defeat for the blues (a draw against an already relegated Derby County in 2008). However, this weekend Lawrenson predicted that Everton would beat Burnley by two goals to one.
Immediately, this drew concern amongst his punditry colleagues. His mentee, Danny Murphy said ‘Lawro would rightly never predict an Everton win. As someone working in the media, he has a strict mandate to remain unbiased and consistent. He’s done this brilliantly over the years. You only have to look back at his previous predictions to see that he has said Everton will get beaten by a different score every week, and that Liverpool will win by anything from two to six goals. He has the full support of everyone within punditry circles, particularly having played or worked with all of us at some point whilst at Liverpool FC.”
The BBC, BT Sport and Sky, were quick to distance themselves from any accusations of bias, publishing a statement of support from their pundits Steven Gerrard, Jamie Carragher, Michael Owen, Jason McAteer, Robbie Fowler, Steve McManaman and Jamie Redknapp who all took time from their busy schedules of tirelessly promoting the cause of Liverpool FC to wish Lawrenson well.
Lawrenson himself said it was simply a mistake. “I realised the moment I submitted my scores that I’d made a mistake. I meant to say six nil to Burnley, or whoever it is they’re playing. And eight nil to Liverpool, if they’re playing this week.”
South Wales Police are still optimistic of locating Ashley Williams, fourteen months after he went missing following Wales’ exit from Euro 2016 at the hands of Portugal.
The reasonably competent defender, who at his most dynamic, looked like he could be a decent stop-gap signing for a team (until a younger and better option was secured) is sorely missed within the footballing community.
Williams of course, is not to be confused with the similarly named Ashley Williams who has been stealing a living at Goodison Park. The blues’ overweight, permanently ball-hoofing, mistimed tackle-merchant has been safely accounted for in the Finch Farm canteen since August 2016.
Olympiacos narrowly failed to sign Kevin Mirallas on transfer deadline day, due to the minor technicality of not actually submitting a bid for him.
The Greek champions were confused about how the transfer system worked. Following closure of the transfer window, club President Evangelos Marinakis said, “We didn’t realise we had to submit an actually monetary offer for Kevin, we just asked him to do his usual cry-arsing in the hope that would be enough. Turns out Everton wanted money.”
Though often criticised throughout his Goodison career, Mirallas has consistently delivered in the cry-arsing stakes – often to most effect when being substituted after an anonymous display. Perhaps frustratingly for blues fans, his best cry-arsing performances have been whilst on international duty with Belgium – aided by the fact that he has been surrounded by an entire squad full of cry-arses.
Mirallas has now returned from the international break, and this weekend he will face the tough task of picking up a massive wage, driving a gold car, and looking for a new Olympiacos dummy to spit out.
Clarification has finally emerged over the reason Ross Barkley wanted to quit Everton this summer. It was thought initially, that the problems were on-field – with Everton set on (and ultimately signing) eight players who could play in his position, and the fact that unlike his predecessor, manager Ronald Koeman had asked him to run about. But it seems that with the return of Wayne Rooney to the club, Barkley could see his position as thickest player come under threat.
Rooney has clearly wanted to make an instant impact upon his return, putting forward a strong bid to re-stake his position as club idiot. The 31 year old hit the ground running, with rumours of marital infidelity and a drink driving charge already under his belt. Whilst this season, Barkley has offered little more than confusion over how to use a pen, and whether he had undergone a medical at Chelsea.
Everton had made it clear that they wanted Barkley to continue in his role. They adopted a slow, ponderous footballing style that suited him, and brought Rooney back to the club as a ‘cretin mentor’, not intending him to pick up the mantle of primary fool. However, it is now clear that Barkley wants to force through a move to Spurs in the January transfer window, where he feels he can take over the role currently filled by the Bruce Forsyth headed dunce Harry Kane.
Barkley himself was unavailable for comment, said to be working on a new colouring-in book.
Everton have issued strict safety advice for supporters who are in Split for this evenings Europa League second leg.
Fans are asked to assemble at Zvoncac Park and to not wear club colours before of after the fixture. In order to help fans blend in, all supporters will be issued with a complementary hoodie, ski mask and bum bag.
Fans are being asked to provide their own terrible jeans.
A police escort will be provided from Zyoncac Park to the Poljud Stadium which is located in the 1970’s.
Everton eventually land their man.
James McCarthy’s inclusion in the Everton squad has irked his international manager Martin O’Neill. The Republic of Ireland midfielder has not only been called-up, but selected by Ronald Koeman during Everton’s pre-season schedule.
Controversially, FIFA rules state that if called-up by his domestic club, he is expected to represent them – even though they only pay his wages and have him contractually tied to the club.
O’Neill was rightly furious at the situation, and was quick to express his anger, “I think it’s a disgrace that he has had to travel out to Holland and Belgium with the Everton squad. He met up with the team several times last season – it’s a joke. Is he even injured at the moment? What use is he in the squad without a hamstring injury?”
Roy Keane was walking his dogs and unavailable for comment. But he would have just said something with the aim of trying to irk someone, like the tragic character he has become.
Keane earlier. Possibly the 1800’s.
The 2017/18 season will be Gareth Barry’s 40th season in professional football. The 57 year old now proudly holds the records for both slowest movement and most professional fouls in the Premiership era.
The veteran midfielder said, “I love the game and am happy to continue playing until the day someone realises I am contributing absolutely nothing to the team. I thought it might be last year, but no – still here, drawing a massive wage. Fantastic.”
Ronald Koeman was quick to heap praise, citing Barry’s experience as invaluable to the team:
“It’s experience above all else that Gareth brings to the table. When we’re being overrun by a young, dynamic midfield; Gareth is able to say – I’ve seen this happen before.”