Fans bored stiff by Witsel saga.

Fans of Everton, Chelsea, Juventus and Napoli were in direct competition today over who could give less of a crap over the protracted transfer of Axel Witsel. The ridiculously barnetted Belgian who has been linked with moves to all four clubs for over eight weeks, is still to decide on his future.

Witsel, who moved to Zenit St Petersburg in the Russian league in 2012, purely for footballing reasons, wanted to test himself against the worlds’ top players like Aiden McGeady and Oumar Niasse. Sources close to the player say his priorities may have now changed, and he may prefer a bumper payday instead. The only certainty in the protracted farce being the players desire to infuriate all parties involved, and to bore fans of the respective clubs to bits having to see his name continually linked with them for the entire summer.

With Juventus involved in the long-running Paul Pogba saga, both Italian teams involved in the transfer of Gonzalo Higuain, and Chelsea able to successfully sign anyone they like, it is thought that fans of Everton – with no other transfers to distract them, could move into pole position as the group most likely to be completely bored shitless by the whole thing.

Fan fury over ground move.

With a hat-trick of failed ground moves in recent years to the Kings Dock, Kirkby and Walton Hall Park, there was hope amongst Evertonian’s that the recent proposals to move to either Stonebridge Cross or the North Docks could collapse just as quickly. However, those plans now look to have been derailed by Everton majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri. Confirmation emerged this week of a successful meeting between the Iranian kingpin and Liverpool City Council leader Fred Elliott. Though not connected to the club in any way, Elliott felt the need to comment on the clubs business affairs once more, tweeting both his love for Moshiri, and how he believed the club could feasibly be in a new state of the art stadium before the end of the month.

Everton fan Bill Grumble grumbled, “I’m very concerned to hear about these positive talks with the council, and how funding is no issue. There are real concerns that one of these proposals may actually go ahead. By now, these plans should have gone down the pan and we should be looking at other brownfield sites in which not to build a ground. Who does this Moshiri guy think he is – coming into our club with his vision, money and business acumen? Driving us forward – it’s not the Everton way.” Bill Kenwright was available for comment.

Cultured defender Stones isn’t cultured.

Cultured defender John Stones isn’t cultured after all it emerged today. It had long been assumed that due to the overpriced defenders ability to pass a ball, he would naturally have an interest in literature and the arts. However, this has proven not to be the case, with reports today indicating that rather than a passion for opera and classical music, Stones is more interested in The X Factor, Coronation Street and titting about unnecessarily at the back.

Emerging from a Chopin piano recital at The Barbican, Rio Ferdinand commented, “This truly is an ignominy. One had assumed Stones was a fellow man of letters. One feels beguiled, duped, hoodwinked and merced.”

Stones himself was unavailable for comment, though sources close to the massively overrated defender said he was at home struggling with the concept of submitting a transfer request.

Koeman not linked with ex-player.

There was increased speculation today that Christian Chivu won’t be linked to Everton. The Romanian left-back, who retired from professional football in 2014 captained Koeman’s successful Ajax team in the early 2000’s, before moving to Italy with Roma and Inter. If reports are correct, this would make him the only player that Koeman has previously managed not to be linked with a move to the blues.

Speaking through Romanian media, Chivu stated: “It’s disappointing not to be linked to Everton. I can only hope it’s an oversight of the UK press, or Everton’s strength in the left-back position that has seen me overlooked. The fact that I’ve been retired for two years shouldn’t have been a blocker to some half-arsed story about a €25 – €30 million move for me to the club. I would also like to add, that like all of the players who have worked with Ronald, I have massive respect for him, and no intention of ever playing for him again.

Fan concerns over Everton signings.

There was legitimate concern amongst fans today that Everton may make a signing before transfer deadline day. The blues have been linked with an ever increasing list of players over the summer, and there was speculation in several media outlets that Everton may be close to concluding a deal.

Chief Executive Robert Elstone moved quick to address concerns:

Evertonian’s should rest assured that this is nothing more than media speculation. We are entirely committed to maintaining the traditions of the club, and as such we will continue to adhere to our policy of recruiting last-minute panic buys as the transfer window closes. The current squad are such a well drilled, defensively organised, fluid attacking force at the peak of human fitness, that any mercenary who hasn’t managed to secure a move to a team playing in next seasons’ Champions League will be able to fit in seamlessly. We’ll be dusting off the fax machine around 9pm on transfer deadline day.

It is believed Oumar Niasse was asked perform the Biennial Fax-Room Ribbon Cutting Ceremony, but has had to withdraw due to a sore wrist.