If Everton complete the signing of Lamine Kone from Sunderland tomorrow, then the name on Arouna Kone’s number 9 shirt will be changed from ‘KONE’ to ‘A. KONE’. The club have confirmed that they will re-letter any kits brought back into either of the Everton megastores by fans free of charge. Early indications are that no kits will be affected by the change.
Evertonians are being left bewildered by feelings of genuine optimism. With investment, plans afoot for a new stadium, and a manager and majority shareholder who actually know what they’re doing, there are real signs of intent that Everton are striving to become a force once more in English football. This has left many supporters angry and confused.
“I’ve had bucketful’s of false optimism before“, said Alan Belm of Wavertree, “Qualifying for the Champions League, decent FA Cup runs, the first season under Martinez. But these have all been quickly dashed by things like Villarreal, negative tactics, and the realisation that Martinez was fucking useless. This situation’s a lot more worrying. There better be some calamitous Evertonesque fuck-up over the international break to put things right. Where’s Bill while all this has been going on? Is he just going to stand by and let this happen?”
Patrick Munt from Childwall added, “This morning I didn’t dread checking the football news online. I watched Match of the Day again the other night – and I’m not embarrassed about going into work. This isn’t what I signed up for. It’s no longer the club I know and love. If something doesn’t change soon I’m seriously thinking of starting to follow West Ham.”
Everton plan to disband their scouting network. That is the proposal put forward by new Director of Football Steve Walsh.
The blues are one of the few Premier League teams who actually bother scouting players. Walsh believes that this is far too expensive, time consuming and is ultimately sick of other clubs bidding for players that he has identified.
Everton will now move to the more modern system of just letting other people do the work for them. A model successfully pioneered by Harry Redknapp and currently favoured by teams such as West Ham and Arsenal.
The supremo confirmed, “Can’t be arsed any more. Going forward we’ll just check Twitter and throw a bid in for any players identified by other clubs. Except Liverpool obviously. I haven’t totally lost the plot.”
The distinct lack of transfer activity in this window has been caused by delusional players demanding Champions League football it emerged earlier.
A report has surfaced which confirms that every football player currently plying his trade in any tinpot league in Europe believes that they should in fact be playing for a team in this seasons Champions League.
“I’ve scored a dozen goals in the last two seasons, against a load of part-time defenders. And I’ve won a cap for my country in a friendly against Liechtenstein. If that doesn’t qualify me to be on the receiving end of three Wednesday night drubbings by a top team in Europe, before having to play a further sixty eight fixtures in the Europa League; I don’t know what does. I’ve spoken to my agent who is working to secure me a move to any team in this seasons Champions League. I don’t want to have to qualify for it – other people can do that“, said every player earlier.
Everton have made a dozen new signings but had forgotten to announce them it emerged today. Panic had been rife amongst supporters on social media due to a perceived lack of transfer activity, with only Maarten Stekelenburg, Idrissa Gueye and Ashley Williams unveiled to the fans. However, it seems those fears were misplaced and that all of the other players that the club had been linked with over the summer are also signed and waiting to be unveiled.
Chief Executive Robert Elstone explained, “As a club we decided to pursue a program of streamlining our communication initiatives. We basically no longer communicate with the fans. They’ve got Twitter and they can follow potential signings around and stuff. Even if they’re just innocently off to The Asda. We’ve started doing snazzy graphics though – accompanied by a statement that a new player has made. That’s part of the problem. Some players, particularly the ones who aren’t Belgian, are pretty quiet so we have to wait until they’ve said something good about the club before we can get onto the graphics department. Some of the new guys are proving to be a problem. Koulibaly thought he’d signed for Chelsea, Carvalho just stares at the wall and Juan Mata spends most of the day crying. I’m hoping there’s some movement before the Spurs game, but these things can take time. Juan Roman Riquelme’s been locked in the Alex Young Suite since 1998.“
The Galatasaray scout who identified Oumar Niasse as a potential signing for the club has been sectioned under the Turkish mental health act.
First team manager Jan Olde Riekerink elaborated, “I asked him to find me a striker for next season and he started going on about this guy at Everton. How he was their third most expensive signing, had tried an overhead kick once, and had overcome this potentially career threatening sore wrist. He’d also scored a dozen goals in the Russian League against top quality opposition like Grozny Ultravox and Sigue Sigue Sputnik. I asked him who it was and when he told me it was Oumar Niasse I immediately alerted the authorities. He was escorted off the training ground shouting something about a YouTube highlights reel. Who in their right mind signs a player based on a YouTube highlights reel?”
In other news, Roberto Martinez continues to be linked with the vacant Hull City manager’s position.