Bill Kenwright is tired of being referred to as Bill. That is the news from the corridors of power at Goodison Park. The blues Chairman believes there has been a lack of respect shown towards him since the arrival of majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri. In an excerpt of a phone conversation recorded with bluespoof, Bill aired his frustrations:
“I never thought anything of it until Mr Moshiri arrived. I assumed the fans would refer to him as Farhad as they always refer to me as Bill, or worse. But it’s all been Mr Moshiri this, Mr Moshiri that. I’m the bloody Chairman – why aren’t they calling me Mr Kenwright? I’m still the main man around this……..excuse me one second….. Yes Your Grace? A cup of chai and a kebab….? No problem at all. And a foot rub….? Really…? A foot rub…? Sorry your eminence – I meant no disrespect, I’m on the case….. Look I’ve got to go I’m a busy man, this club doesn’t run itself you know. Anyway, it’s Mr Kenwright from now on. Robert, Robert – where’s that fookin oil? What…? It’s bloody not my turn.”
Work on the refurbishment of Goodison Park continues to progress at breakneck speed. Contractors have been working several minutes a day for just under a quarter of a year to keep pace with the strict deadlines imposed by the club. The latest images of the ground are testament to how far they have progressed, and show the Main Stand miraculously transformed from a large bare grey-metal structure to a large bare grey-metal structure with several pieces of blue cladding on.
The renovations are due to be complete before the blues play their first home game of the season at their new stadium, or before Goodison collapses.
Everton have decided to sack their PR department. The move comes as part of a cost cutting exercise being implemented by the club.
All announcements will now be in the form of text messages sent to Sky Sports News buffoon Jim White who will act as Farhad Moshiri’s official mouthpiece. Other football related matters will be handled via Manager Ronald Koeman and fitness coach Jan Kluitenburg’s personal Twitter accounts.
The scheme has been in pilot for just under a month, and early indications are that there has been no impact to the quality of communications being issued. Indeed, fans of the club have confirmed that just like before – they still have no idea whatsoever what is going on at the club.
Local newspaper The Liverpool F.C. ECHO have also given their approval to the scheme:
“We barely print anything Everton related anyway, such as the club donating £200,000 to a sick child’s charity, so it doesn’t bother us. Have you seen Liverpool’s new main stand?”
New club spokesman Jim White was available for comment but we couldn’t be arsed listening to him.
John Stones is now the best defender ever. In a period of just four weeks, the youngster has completely turned around his error strewn game – just by signing for Manchester City; confirm the media.
“I’ve learnt that occasionally you need to put the ball in Row Z“, said the England international, “which is just something I wasn’t told every week by 37,000 Evertonians.” Successfully clearing your lines when under pressure is something that no other defender in the world does, and is the thing that sets the Yorkshireman apart from his peers.
Stones felt he had to depart Goodison in 2015, and again in 2016 – in order to keep improving his game, having stagnated under the completely inept Roberto Martinez.
“I couldn’t face another season under Roberto, even though he had already been sacked and replaced by Ronald Koeman, so felt it was time to move on. Manchester City came calling and it gave me the chance to earn a massive salary, and work with Pep Guardiola.”
The lure of Manchester City, a club who have been champions of England an astonishing four times, and the chance to learn from Guardiola, rather then Koeman – a player and manager with no pedigree in the art of defending was too good to refuse. Inclusion in Sam Allardyce’s first England squad has also justified the players decision.
“It’s amazing to be selected by England. We have a glut of astounding central defenders at the moment. To be chosen to play ahead of guys like Phil Jones and Chris Smalling, who are regarded as legends at Manchester United is obviously a great honour. I’m part of a golden generation of defenders.“