Koeman to visit bitter, angry ex-partner at weekend.

Ronald Koeman is set to be briefly re-united with his bitter, angry ex-partner at the weekend. The Dutchman, who ended their two year relationship in the summer, is due down south for a work engagement. His ex, meanwhile, continues to insist she isn’t bothered that he left, by spending every day crying about it on social media and every available online forum.

It is believed her issue lies with the fact that herself and Koeman had a joint trip to Europe planned this season. “I hardly ever get to go to Europe“, she weeped, “me and Ronnie had worked so hard for it as well. It was only a budget holiday, nothing special. How could he leave me when we were about to go to Europe? I mean, I know he’s been loads of times himself, and his new partner has also been loads of times before, and will again. But they’re not going this year – this specific year. I just don’t understand it? Surely me and my budget trip to Europe were a more attractive proposition – what a backwards or sideways step that is for him. I was an attractive proposition as well you know – once, for a minute, forty years ago.

His new partner couldn’t quite understand what the fuss was about. Both they, and Koeman, see their relationship as a short term mutually beneficial arrangement. Maybe even with a trip to Europe planned at some point in the not too distant future.

Ex-footballer and long term friend of the couple Matt Le Tissier said something about the break-up, but no one really cared.

Koeman to stop doing team talks in Dutch.

Ronald Koeman has accidentally been giving all of his team talks in Dutch, it emerged today. The bizarre revelation by the Goodison boss goes some way to explaining the poor performances by the blues so far this season. In an exclusive chat to bluespoof, he tried to clarify his confusion:

I’d just been offered six million pounds a year. Eighteen million pounds over three years. And all they wanted was for me to try and push them towards the top four. I couldn’t believe it – talk about hitting the jackpot. I lost the plot for a while and just kept talking Dutch. I forgot where I was. Which is good if you’re the Everton boss.

On the team talks themselves, he added: “I had no idea why they weren’t trying to do what I was asking. Every week I’d be telling them to press harder, play with more aggression and intensity, and just generally stop being completely shit. To an outsider, it might have looked like they were just ignoring me. That they were just a bunch of useless, over-paid, passionless, mediocre footballers with no professional pride. But on the contrary – they just didn’t understand me. Except Romelu – he speaks about twenty languages you know. He keeps telling me he could be the best at languages in the world.

When asked why it had taken twelve league games for anyone to query the language problem, captain Phil Jagielka explained: “I’ve never been one to question anything. I thought I caught the gist of what he was asking me to do. Something about being really slow and shit, and to keep giving away penalties. When I wasn’t getting dropped I thought I must be doing the right thing. I’ve not had any defensive coaching for four years you know.

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Koeman drops himself.

Everton manager Ronald Koeman has dropped himself for this weekends clash with Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. It is the latest display of no nonsense management from the Dutchman, who explained his decision in today’s press conference:

Though I performed well against West Ham last week, there have been a few flat performances from me in the games against Bournemouth and Burnley recently. Nobody is above the chop, and a weekend in the stands might be the kick-start I need to re-focus myself as we enter the second quarter of the season.

Koeman’s brother Erwin is expected to deputise for the clash against the Londoners, if he isn’t dropped before kick off.