The charity that is Everton Football Club is thinking of venturing into football.
An illustrious history has seen the charity complete many notable achievements, such as donating at least 4 points every season to Liverpool FC, giving generous contracts to clearly incompetent managers, and providing a lucrative income for the long-term injured and those with drug and alcohol problems.
They now feel that the time is right to diversify, and attempt to be successful at football. This isn’t the first time that they have embarked on such a venture. In fact, it has only been thirty years since the charity last made a concerted effort to try and be a force in the game. That wasn’t sustainable – mainly due to restrictions about trading in Europe. However, the new regime believe that there is now an opportunity to try once more.
Addressing concerns about football being a distraction, they have confirmed that their main focus will continue to be their charitable endeavours.
Everton’s fortunes have taken a turn for the better since the start of the year. The turnaround coinciding with Koeman promoting players such as Tom Davies, Mason Holgate and Dominic Calvert-Lewin from the youth setup. However, the Dutchman still carries a reputation as a Manager with a reluctance to blood youth, which he queried:
“I don’t know where this reputation has come from. I am always happy to bring younger players into the first team. It’s not like I didn’t have a choice is it. You could hardly say we were inactive in the summer transfer window, or that I inherited a squad full of old crocks that had just been walking around for the last two years. My hand wasn’t forced at all.”
On the youth set-up at USM Finch Farm, he also added:
“Just last week I bumped into Kevin Unsworth at the coffee machine, and I’ve met the other guy as well – Dave Sheedy, or whatever he’s called. Great guys, doing great jobs. I like to keep a close eye on how their teams are doing. Though I obviously haven’t seen them play – have you ever commuted back to Cheshire from Southport? It’s a nightmare, it’s not like I’m being paid £6m a year for the privilege!”
On the back of this weeks’ General Meeting, Everton showed their newfound ruthless streak by managing to exit both domestic cup competitions by the 7th January.
In stark contrast to last years cup exploits – which saw blues fans have to endure a protracted cup run as far as the semi-final in both the FA and League Cups, there have been no similar problems this year. A capitulation at home to Leicester City, mean Koeman’s boys made light work of exiting both competitions early – winning only one game in either cup.
The result means Everton can now concentrate on their top priority of trying to keep hold of that exclusive seventh place in the premier league. And that Liverpool can make a new fucking banner.
The Decepticon leader and archenemy of Optimus Prime replaces Chang as the official shirt sponsor of Everton in a five year deal.
A sentient robotic life-form from the planet Cybertron, Megatron’s main business areas are focussed on transforming into a P38 handgun, a telescopic laser cannon, and waging war against the Autobots.
The club were unavailable for comment, but the shift in emphasis from sponsorship by a weak, tasteless, Asian beer to that of a robotic villain, alludes to a more ruthless streak being adopted by the club going forward.
The sponsorship deal also breaks new ground in it being the first ever between a Premiership club and a fictional Hasbro character.
More to follow.