New Everton football stadium could end up underwater thanks to kopites tears.

Everton Football Club’s plans to move from Goodison Park to a new stadium at Bramley Moore dock have caused surprise amongst the sustainable business model research community. Questions have been raised over the risk of sea level rise on the £300m waterfront stadium.

The exact implications of resentment on sea level rise are complex. There are simply too many variables. We don’t yet know how much heat will be generated off Jeff from West Derby as he fumes away to Roger Phillips on the Radio Merseyside phone in. It is also unclear how many tears will actually be shed as a piece of unused dockland, overflowing on a daily basis with dog walkers, kite flyers and children playing, is transformed into a state of the art stadium.

Researchers at Liverpool John Moores University predict that in as little as four years time, the thought of Everton playing in a new dockland stadium on Liverpool’s historic waterfront could cause sea levels to rise by as much as seven metres. That’s seven metres higher than it is now. To state something of no relevance to the study, Everton haven’t won a trophy since 1995.

One can only hope the developers of this new stadium have undertaken a full climate change risk assessment – or have stocked up on kleenex.

Lukaku doesn’t love Everton!

Everton striker Romelu Lukaku has shaken the world of football with several astounding revelations this evening. The prolific Belgian decided it was time to come clean after ‘living a lie for the best part of 20 years.‘ In an exclusive interview, he revealed to us the secrets and lies that have tormented him for so long:

He wasn’t a boyhood Evertonian!

The striker has always maintained that he was a boyhood Evertonian, and that he would spend weekends sat in the Gwladys Street watching his strike heroes Danny Cadamarteri and Tomasz Radzinski. When in reality he wasn’t! He doesn’t even know who they are!

He doesn’t care about the team!

Contrary to everything he’s ever said, about how much he cares about the team, his teammates, and the club in general – it turns out that he actually only cares about himself!

He doesn’t care about the fans!

The fans have idolised many players throughout Everton’s long and illustrious history. These players have worshipped the supporters back. However, the unique rapport that Lukaku shared with the Goodison faithful was unrivalled by any player who had gone before him. In the many games where he disappeared, or just walked around occasionally failing to trap a ball – you could feel the love. They loved him – and he loved them. Or so they thought – but that was a lie too – he didn’t give a shit!

He does want Champions League football!

Though continually stating that he has no interest in playing Champions League football, that he was happy having a crack at winning a Europa League place every other season, and that the sheer honour of playing for Everton Football Club was all he ever wanted – it turns out that he does want to play in the Champions League – very much so!

All of these revelations will come as a blow to many Evertonians, however please spare a thought for the many football media outlets who wanted nothing more than to see Lukaku stay and flourish at Everton. Our thoughts are with them all at this troubling time.