Walcott confuses Allardyce with someone.

Theo Walcott completed his switch from Arsenal to Everton yesterday, and stated that he ‘believed Sam Allardyce could reignite his career.

The 28 year old (who has clearly spent the majority of this season immaculately trimming his beard, rather than watching the blues’ abject performances), spent his first day at Finch Farm confusing Allardyce with someone else.

The attacking winger is expected to nail down one of the six defensive midfield positions in Allardyce’s favoured 4-6-0 formation. It is hoped that within the first few games, Everton can mount a sustained push for a shot on target – a feat last achieved in late December.

In his first interview as an Everton player, the England international also stated that ‘the manager was very hungry’, so at least he got that part right.

Keane shows defensive excellence.

Michael Keane seems to have addressed his consistency problems, and is now showing week in week out what an excellent defender Burnley’s Ben Mee is.

 The 24 year old, who joined the club for £25m in July 2017, showed early glimpses of being a competent defender. However, under the guidance of Ronald Koeman, David Unsworth and latterly Sam Allardyce, he looks to have put those problems behind him.

 With each passing game, Keane has looked more and more a £5m defender. The Stopfordian was full of praise for Ben Mee and how he had helped put him in the position he is today:

 “I owe Ben Mee a lot. I’ve somehow managed to land a move to Everton, a bumper salary and four England caps based on his defensive performances. I can’t praise him enough. I hope to find a similarly good defender here at Everton that I can also take the plaudits for – bit it’s not looking promising. God I miss you Ben,” he wept.