Everton have issued a ‘Fans Survey’ to help them determine whether to fire manager Sam Allardyce. You would think the decision would be as certain as a Funes Mori barbecue this weekend, but it seems the club are still unsure as to whether or not he should be relieved of his duties at the end of the season.
Allardyce, who has now achieved his two objectives of helping the blues reach 40 points, and ensuring they play turgid anti-football in the process, is still in the Goodison hot-seat. Like a straggler who won’t leave a party, or a relative who won’t go home after Christmas – he is currently overseeing preparations of how to secure a ‘vital point’ at home to Newcastle on Monday night.
Viewed as harsh by some outsiders, the wording of the question in point could have been simplified to:
How would you like to see Sam Allardyce relieved of his duties?
A) Via the telephone
. B) Via an email.
C) Via a message in a Fortune Pie. D) Why the hell is he still here?
Other questions seemed aimed at ascertaining whether fans were still happy that the club was a rudderless, shambolic, amateurish mess, in complete disarray from board to pitch level. Some examples being:
On a scale of 0-10, with 10 being “I Completely Agree” and 0 being “I Strongly Agree.” Please rate the following:
- It has never been so demoralising or soul destroying to support Everton as it has been this season.
- I don’t have faith in the board successfully making their way to Goodison Park on Monday night, never mind taking us to Bramley-Moore in 4 years’ time.
- Everton need to pull their finger out and actually employ some people who can SORT OUT THE MESS.
Yannick Bolasie expressed his delight at scoring his biennial goal during Everton’s complete mauling at the hands of Manchester City.
The Congolese winger bagged the blues’ second half consolation, his second goal for the club and first since returning from a cruciate ligament injury.
“I’m delighted to score, but it was more important that as a team we continued to put in a spineless, almost pre-season like performance, that shows the fans just how much we all care.”
“I like to try and score a goal every two years, and hadn’t netted since 2016, so it was good to get one today and hopefully I can get another before the end of 2020 – if I’m still here riding this gravy train,” he laughed.
“Was there a war on, Dad?”
“Erm, they were certainly dark times son…”
Blues’ fans are to be given a warm weather break in Dubai.
It is hoped that a week long break away from all things Everton might go some way to helping people take their minds off the living hell that is Everton Football Club.
However, genuine concerns have been raised that the amount of alcohol readily available in Dubai may not be sufficient to numb the pain of the past three years, and the realisation that we’re still terrible and managed by Sam Allardyce.
Supporters not lucky enough to secure tickets to Dubai have been asked to remain in the UK and to continue arguing amongst themselves.
Theo Walcott completed his switch from Arsenal to Everton yesterday, and stated that he ‘believed Sam Allardyce could reignite his career.’
The 28 year old (who has clearly spent the majority of this season immaculately trimming his beard, rather than watching the blues’ abject performances), spent his first day at Finch Farm confusing Allardyce with someone else.
The attacking winger is expected to nail down one of the six defensive midfield positions in Allardyce’s favoured 4-6-0 formation. It is hoped that within the first few games, Everton can mount a sustained push for a shot on target – a feat last achieved in late December.
In his first interview as an Everton player, the England international also stated that ‘the manager was very hungry’, so at least he got that part right.
Michael Keane seems to have addressed his consistency problems, and is now showing week in week out what an excellent defender Burnley’s Ben Mee is.
The 24 year old, who joined the club for £25m in July 2017, showed early glimpses of being a competent defender. However, under the guidance of Ronald Koeman, David Unsworth and latterly Sam Allardyce, he looks to have put those problems behind him.
With each passing game, Keane has looked more and more a £5m defender. The Stopfordian was full of praise for Ben Mee and how he had helped put him in the position he is today:
“I owe Ben Mee a lot. I’ve somehow managed to land a move to Everton, a bumper salary and four England caps based on his defensive performances. I can’t praise him enough. I hope to find a similarly good defender here at Everton that I can also take the plaudits for – bit it’s not looking promising. God I miss you Ben,” he wept.
With a punishing schedule of almost twenty league games and an FA Cup tie to contend with, Everton manager Sam Allardyce will be desperate to strengthen his midfield options in the January transfer window – an area grossly neglected by Steve Walsh and his predecessor Ronald Koeman in the summer.
With Kieron Dowell on loan at Nottingham Forrest, and long term absentees Yannick Bolasie and Ross Barkley seemingly weeks away from a return, the blues boss only has Morgan Schneiderlin, Wayne Rooney, Kevin Mirallas, Aaron Lennon, James McCarthy, Idrissa Gueye, Gylfi Sigurdsson, Davy Klaassen, Mo Besic, Tom Davies, Nikola Vlasic, Ademola Lookman and Beni Baningime at his disposal.
Thankfully, there are some areas where he doesn’t need to be concerned. At left-back, right-back Cuco Martina will battle it out with right-back Cuco Martina and the injured ghost of Leighton Baines. Whilst upfront, both Dominic Calvert-Lewin and Oumar Niasse will compete for the sole position of club striker. It is expected than Sandro Ramirez will return to La Liga, but it was also expected that he wouldn’t be useless – so who knows how that will play out.
There is a race against time to fit a new scoreboard at Anfield in time for the Merseyside derby on Sunday.
The existing scoreboard only has the facility to register a double figure score for either team, and there are now legitimate concerns that it won’t be able to accommodate the cricket score that Liverpool aim to rack up against Everton’s defence.
The unwelcome scoreboard drama only adds to Liverpool’s woes going into the match, following the news earlier in the week that a consignment of ten thousand Liverpool / Steau Bucharest half and half scarves had been lost in the post.
Thankfully, both setbacks don’t seem to have dented the unmitigated smugness and cockiness pouring out of every supporter at any given opportunity.