Everton will play a pre-season friendly in Tanzania as part of the new sponsorship deal with African betting firm SportPesa. The blues will face Gor Mahia FC in the inaugural Guaranteed To Get Injured Via a Dodgy Pitch or Mistimed Tackle Cup.
The club, who in the 1990’s were unable to employ a qualified coach, and almost folded due to gross financial mismanagement – will face the fifteen time champions of Kenya.
Manager Ronald Koeman said he was looking forward to the fixture, but wished to stress that games at this stage of pre-season were less about results, and more about fitness and not being airlifted home with a career threatening injury.
The blues are expected to take a large travelling contingent to the Dar es Salaam Stadium for the game, with several coaches having departing County Road on 4th June, for the match on 13th July.
Architect Dan Meis, who is in charge of designing the new ground for Everton FC, has asked to be inundated with daily suggestions on what features to incorporate into the stadium. In particular, he wants to hear the same limited number of suggestions over and over again.
The California based architect expressed concerns that no one seemed to be taking an interest in the project:
“I post a little teaser on Twitter and there’s literally no bites. No one seems to care whether the ground should have steep stands, seating close to the pitch, whether it should look exactly like West Ham’s new ground, or just copy a lot of its features. I’ve only been designing world class sporting arenas for over twenty years – do they think I’ll be able to pull this off without the input of Terry from Knotty Ash?”
Initial designs for the ground have been drafted and are available to view, but Meis says that nobody has contacted him with a desire to see them:
“Rather than some big event, the plan has always been to just randomly launch the stadium designs via a reply to a Tweet from a stranger. But in the last five seconds, literally nobody has asked to see them.”
After the capture of Jordan Pickford and Davy Klaassen, normality has finally been restored with the protracted transfer of Sandro Ramirez.
The double swoop for the Sunderland stopper and Ajax captain left Evertonians in a rage – denied their obligatory soap opera, as for the first time in the clubs history, Everton moved quickly and effectively to tie up two transfers in the space of 24 hours. Lessons have been learnt following that mistake, and it is with much relief that the signing of the Spanish striker has now returned to the obligatory realm of farce. Everton fan Mike Sullen from Garston, raged:
“I was livid when we announced Pickford and Klaassen. They virtually came out of the blue. One minute we were linked with them, the next they were signed. It’s not a proper transfer window unless there’s fake sightings of a player in Liverpool, made up rumours on Twitter, medicals and fees agreed, and then Arsenal or someone in the Champions League gazumping us at the last minute. Thankfully this Sandro character seems to be messing us about. He looks like he gets the club. The transfer windows over the last 20 years have all been about theatre, I’m not sure why, it’s just how it is.”
Following a period of extensive research on social media, scientists have now concluded that it takes an average of four months for Everton supporters to forget that Gerard Deulofeu is terrible.
The 23 year old, who joined AC Milan on loan during the January transfer window, looks set to return to the blues this summer. Prior to his departure, he put in a series of inconspicuous and frustrating performances for the toffees, which meant little sleep was lost when the winger was shipped out.
Scientists observed, that exactly four months later – fans once more believed that the Spaniard could be effective in the Premiership, that he wasn’t a one-trick show pony, and most bafflingly of all – that he would one day last more than sixty minutes of a game before collapsing on the pitch like an asthmatic pensioner who smokes his way through fifty a day.
Sources close to the player believe that the inconsistent winger himself hopes to revive his Everton career, after seeing the club recently announce a new deal for the inconsistent winger Kevin Mirallas.
Ross Barkley has been advised to wait for interest, before putting pen to paper on a new contract with Everton Football Club. Not interest from other clubs, but interest from the general match going public as to whether he actually decides to stay or not.
Various distractions such as a general election, the sun coming out, and the fact that his will-he-won’t-he stay debacle has ran on for the best part of a season has meant that most fans have pretty much given up caring as to whether he stays or not.
His advisors also think he may have missed the boat, “With hindsight, maybe we should have told him to sign during the last six weeks of the season – when literally nothing was happening at the club – particularly on the pitch. Instead we just posted the odd photo on Instagram, and got him to pose with cans of Sure deodorant.”
With the transfer window about to open again, Evertonians are once again more interested in who they will be linked with, and ultimately fail to sign, than they are with players already at the club.
“Maybe in mid-August when the club have failed to bring in absolutely anyone of note and the fans are desperate for any good news we could pick it up again – post a cryptic message on social media or something”, said some completely annoying tit from the Barkley camp.
As another season peters out to nothing, and the Everton squad don their flip-flops and suncream within five minutes of being guaranteed seventh place in the league, the blessed relief of another transfer window lurks on the horizon.
Of course, in order to be able to enjoy it, it is customary to dispense with reality and adopt the required Evertonian mindset. As it’s been a few months since the last, here’s a reminder of the logic and mentality you will need to adopt in order to make the summer transfer window almost bearable:
Ignore the restrictions of Financial Fair Play – they don’t apply to Everton. We should not be shopping within our means. Demand that Moshiri spends billions on players. Anything short of billions and you should declare him a FRAUD on social media. GET OUT MOSHIRI – YOU FRAUD!
And naturally he should be spending his OWN MONEY. We’re not a charity – does he think WE should be paying for these elite players – get your wallet out FRAUD!
And yes – ELITE PLAYERS is what we should be demanding and attracting – we’re Everton. We won the league 30 years ago! If we’re linked with anyone who is merely good – LET THAT FRAUD KNOW THAT IT WON’T DO!
Ignore the very idea that we might be unappealing to some players, with offers from clubs in London or glamorous European cities, a genuine chance of silverware and the promise of Champions League football. We’re in the EUROPA LEAGUE. In mid-June, in front of the eyes of the world’s media, our new signing could be slotting one home past the fourth best team in Latvia.
Demand we get our business done early. Preferably the day the transfer window opens. If not, it’s probably best to query the clubs’ transfer policy. What have they been doing since January – have they not seen where we need strengthening!? Are we really not going to sign anyone!?
If any deal falls through – be it real or fictional – blame it on Kenwright and Elstone’s negotiating. Everyone outside of the club, who’s never been involved in, or sat through these negotiations, knows they’re incompetent and entirely to blame – KENWRIGHT OUT!
And don’t get yourself started on scouting of talent – you know who we should be signing, not those clowns in charge. Have they not been watching YouTube highlight reels?
Linked with another kid again? Moan that we’re buying kids. Linked with an established player. Moan about that. He’s what – twenty eight!? What the hell are we paying Steve Walsh for? What’s his role at the club anyway – THE FRAUD!
Except new players – ANYONE IN – ANYONE! PLEASE!
Happy transfer window everybody – see you in Latvia next month.
With the unwelcome distraction of another football match out of the way, the media and fans of Everton can now focus on the only thing important at a football club – talking about players unsigned contracts.
Fans have become increasingly disillusioned in recent weeks with the media reporting on football matches, rather than attempting to sell or unsettle Everton players. In fact, the resurgent home form, such as this weekend’s 3-1 defeat of Burnley (the eighth consecutive victory at Goodison Park) has been the very distraction they needed to shift attention from off-field to on-field activities.
In his post-match interview, goal scorer Romelu Lukaku was quick to divert attention back from footballing to contract matters, “I don’t like to get bogged down in the playing of football. My job is to talk about my contract situation and not worry about what happens on the pitch – that’s for teammates and other people to be concerned with. I’m fully focused on talking about not signing my contract.”
Soon to be out of contract Ross Barkley added, “I don’t want to get drawn in to talking about football. Not because I’d also rather be talking about not signing my contract, but because my jaw still really hurts.”
Everton Football Club’s plans to move from Goodison Park to a new stadium at Bramley Moore dock have caused surprise amongst the sustainable business model research community. Questions have been raised over the risk of sea level rise on the £300m waterfront stadium.
The exact implications of resentment on sea level rise are complex. There are simply too many variables. We don’t yet know how much heat will be generated off Jeff from West Derby as he fumes away to Roger Phillips on the Radio Merseyside phone in. It is also unclear how many tears will actually be shed as a piece of unused dockland, overflowing on a daily basis with dog walkers, kite flyers and children playing, is transformed into a state of the art stadium.
Researchers at Liverpool John Moores University predict that in as little as four years time, the thought of Everton playing in a new dockland stadium on Liverpool’s historic waterfront could cause sea levels to rise by as much as seven metres. That’s seven metres higher than it is now. To state something of no relevance to the study, Everton haven’t won a trophy since 1995.
One can only hope the developers of this new stadium have undertaken a full climate change risk assessment – or have stocked up on kleenex.