Europa League hell almost over.

The Europa League nightmare is almost over for Evertonians, with only one more game of BT Sport commentary and analysis to endure.

Blues fans have endured a torrid time in this season’s competition, with every game succumbing to the commentary of Ian Darke, Robbie Savage and Chris Sutton. The misery being further compounded by the expert analysis of Jermaine Jenas and Martin Keown.

To the clubs’ credit, they have done everything possible to spare supporters the pain – by trying to exit the competition as quickly as possible. A series of embarrassing performances, which has seen the team consistently battered by various European minnows, has successfully enabled them to crash out in the group stage.

Everton to stop titting about.

Everton have decided that at some point in the near future it’s probably time to stop titting about. A spokesman confirmed the club’s new position:

To be fair, I think it’s harsh to say we’ve been titting about. I mean, yes we’ve wasted a hundred million on unnecessary transfers we didn’t need, bought too many players that want to play in the same position, didn’t sign a replacement striker or replace an ageing defence, dithered over sacking a manager who had lost the plot, and didn’t have a plan in place when we did sack him.

Yes we may have humiliated ourselves with one of the worst ever campaigns in Europe, had players arsing about in training, playing badly, out of position, or just not trying. And okay, we haven’t got a clue what we’re going to do about the manager’s position. But at worst, all of that’s a bit of light-hearted banter.

We’ll sort it out in the near future. But it will be after the Merseyside derby – we won’t be cancelling that yearly pantomime for anyone.

Commemorative red fir tree to be planted.

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A red fir tree will be planted at Finch Farm to commemorate Ronald Koeman’s 16 month tenure at the helm of the blues.

Joel Waldron, Head of Academy Operations explained:

All of the staff will have happy memories of Ronald Koeman’s time at Finch Farm. He was here up to two to three hours a day, doing whatever they did that passed as training – always happy to give you a frown. There was also that day when he once watched the Under 23’s play – we’ll always cherish that. This tree will serve as an apt reminder of his time here.

Koeman himself has already started to look back fondly at his time spent at Everton:

It was a pleasure to spend 16 months managing, erm – that team in blue, the erm, Caramels. I mean Fudges. Great times. Barcelona job. Massive payoff. Smashing.

Williams to be given custom made kit.

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Ashley Williams is to receive a custom made kit for the rest of the season. The kit will feature an extra-long polo neck which will cover his entire face.

Manufacturers Umbro had noted that on several occasions, the clueless defender had been trying to pull his shirt over his face whenever one of his horrendous mistakes led to a goal. The new kit aims to eliminate that problem, leaving his face permanently covered – and Williams unable to see anything happening in front of him. The Everton coaching staff believe that the loss of vision that Williams will face, will not have any further negative impact on his play.

It is thought that given the dross football that has been served up this season so far. The kit could actually be a big seller with fans unlucky enough to be within Goodison on a match day.

Concerns over Lawrenson’s wellbeing after Everton prediction.

Mark Lawrenson MOTD Close Up

Concerns have been raised over Mark Lawrenson’s wellbeing after he predicted Everton to win. The dour football pundit with a penchant for the word ‘moment’ has been predicting Premiership results on the BBC website for the past fifty years, and has only once predicted anything but defeat for the blues (a draw against an already relegated Derby County in 2008). However, this weekend Lawrenson predicted that Everton would beat Burnley by two goals to one.

Immediately, this drew concern amongst his punditry colleagues. His mentee, Danny Murphy said ‘Lawro would rightly never predict an Everton win. As someone working in the media, he has a strict mandate to remain unbiased and consistent. He’s done this brilliantly over the years. You only have to look back at his previous predictions to see that he has said Everton will get beaten by a different score every week, and that Liverpool will win by anything from two to six goals. He has the full support of everyone within punditry circles, particularly having played or worked with all of us at some point whilst at Liverpool FC.

The BBC, BT Sport and Sky, were quick to distance themselves from any accusations of bias, publishing a statement of support from their pundits Steven Gerrard, Jamie Carragher, Michael Owen, Jason McAteer, Robbie Fowler, Steve McManaman and Jamie Redknapp who all took time from their busy schedules of tirelessly promoting the cause of Liverpool FC to wish Lawrenson well.

Lawrenson himself said it was simply a mistake. “I realised the moment I submitted my scores that I’d made a mistake. I meant to say six nil to Burnley, or whoever it is they’re playing. And eight nil to Liverpool, if they’re playing this week.

Police remain optimistic over missing Williams.

South Wales Police are still optimistic of locating Ashley Williams, fourteen months after he went missing following Wales’ exit from Euro 2016 at the hands of Portugal.

The reasonably competent defender, who at his most dynamic, looked like he could be a decent stop-gap signing for a team (until a younger and better option was secured) is sorely missed within the footballing community.

Williams of course, is not to be confused with the similarly named Ashley Williams who has been stealing a living at Goodison Park.  The blues’ overweight, permanently ball-hoofing, mistimed tackle-merchant has been safely accounted for in the Finch Farm canteen since August 2016.

Olympiacos fail to understand transfer system.

Mirallas

Olympiacos narrowly failed to sign Kevin Mirallas on transfer deadline day, due to the minor technicality of not actually submitting a bid for him.

The Greek champions were confused about how the transfer system worked. Following closure of the transfer window, club President Evangelos Marinakis said, “We didn’t realise we had to submit an actually monetary offer for Kevin, we just asked him to do his usual cry-arsing in the hope that would be enough. Turns out Everton wanted money.

Though often criticised throughout his Goodison career, Mirallas has consistently delivered in the cry-arsing stakes – often to most effect when being substituted after an anonymous display. Perhaps frustratingly for blues fans, his best cry-arsing performances have been whilst on international duty with Belgium – aided by the fact that he has been surrounded by an entire squad full of cry-arses.

Mirallas has now returned from the international break, and this weekend he will face the tough task of picking up a massive wage, driving a gold car, and looking for a new Olympiacos dummy to spit out.

Barkley fears over role at club.

Clarification has finally emerged over the reason Ross Barkley wanted to quit Everton this summer. It was thought initially, that the problems were on-field – with Everton set on (and ultimately signing) eight players who could play in his position, and the fact that unlike his predecessor, manager Ronald Koeman had asked him to run about. But it seems that with the return of Wayne Rooney to the club, Barkley could see his position as thickest player come under threat.

 Rooney has clearly wanted to make an instant impact upon his return, putting forward a strong bid to re-stake his position as club idiot.  The 31 year old hit the ground running, with rumours of marital infidelity and a drink driving charge already under his belt. Whilst this season, Barkley has offered little more than confusion over how to use a pen, and whether he had undergone a medical at Chelsea.

Everton had made it clear that they wanted Barkley to continue in his role. They adopted a slow, ponderous footballing style that suited him, and brought Rooney back to the club as a ‘cretin mentor’, not intending him to pick up the mantle of primary fool. However, it is now clear that Barkley wants to force through a move to Spurs in the January transfer window, where he feels he can take over the role currently filled by the Bruce Forsyth headed dunce Harry Kane.

Barkley himself was unavailable for comment, said to be working on a new colouring-in book.