Koeman to stop doing team talks in Dutch.

Ronald Koeman has accidentally been giving all of his team talks in Dutch, it emerged today. The bizarre revelation by the Goodison boss goes some way to explaining the poor performances by the blues so far this season. In an exclusive chat to bluespoof, he tried to clarify his confusion:

I’d just been offered six million pounds a year. Eighteen million pounds over three years. And all they wanted was for me to try and push them towards the top four. I couldn’t believe it – talk about hitting the jackpot. I lost the plot for a while and just kept talking Dutch. I forgot where I was. Which is good if you’re the Everton boss.

On the team talks themselves, he added: “I had no idea why they weren’t trying to do what I was asking. Every week I’d be telling them to press harder, play with more aggression and intensity, and just generally stop being completely shit. To an outsider, it might have looked like they were just ignoring me. That they were just a bunch of useless, over-paid, passionless, mediocre footballers with no professional pride. But on the contrary – they just didn’t understand me. Except Romelu – he speaks about twenty languages you know. He keeps telling me he could be the best at languages in the world.

When asked why it had taken twelve league games for anyone to query the language problem, captain Phil Jagielka explained: “I’ve never been one to question anything. I thought I caught the gist of what he was asking me to do. Something about being really slow and shit, and to keep giving away penalties. When I wasn’t getting dropped I thought I must be doing the right thing. I’ve not had any defensive coaching for four years you know.

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We’re always on the lookout for new talent, and are currently recruiting for several positions, such as first choice striker and manager.

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Contact Bill or Mr Moshiri straight away for further details!

Koeman drops himself.

Everton manager Ronald Koeman has dropped himself for this weekends clash with Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. It is the latest display of no nonsense management from the Dutchman, who explained his decision in today’s press conference:

Though I performed well against West Ham last week, there have been a few flat performances from me in the games against Bournemouth and Burnley recently. Nobody is above the chop, and a weekend in the stands might be the kick-start I need to re-focus myself as we enter the second quarter of the season.

Koeman’s brother Erwin is expected to deputise for the clash against the Londoners, if he isn’t dropped before kick off.

Bolasie tops Opta stats.

Some positive news for the club following the disappointing result at Turf Moor – Everton winger Yannick Bolasie now tops the Opta stats for most frustrating player. The Congolese international – who scored his first goal for the blues; put in another mixed display of aimless runs, misplaced passes and a clinical finish.

Reacting to the news, Bolasie commented, “It’s not easy trying to find that balance between moments of excellent play and periods of being completely dogshit, but I’ve been working really hard on it this season, and it’s starting to pay off. I like to think I’ve given the gaffer no idea whether I should be in the starting eleven or not.

Teammate Gerard Deulofeu who has previously topped the same Opta chart, has fallen down the rankings this season. The Spaniard, having successfully eradicated all of the good parts from his play – no longer carries the burden of any fans’ expectations.

Bill sick of being referred to as Bill.

Bill Kenwright is tired of being referred to as Bill. That is the news from the corridors of power at Goodison Park. The blues Chairman believes there has been a lack of respect shown towards him since the arrival of majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri. In an excerpt of a phone conversation recorded with bluespoof, Bill aired his frustrations:

I never thought anything of it until Mr Moshiri arrived. I assumed the fans would refer to him as Farhad as they always refer to me as Bill, or worse. But it’s all been Mr Moshiri this, Mr Moshiri that. I’m the bloody Chairman – why aren’t they calling me Mr Kenwright? I’m still the main man around this……..excuse me one second….. Yes Your Grace? A cup of chai and a kebab….? No problem at all. And a foot rub….? Really…? A foot rub…? Sorry your eminence – I meant no disrespect, I’m on the case….. Look I’ve got to go I’m a busy man, this club doesn’t run itself you know. Anyway, it’s Mr Kenwright from now on. Robert, Robert – where’s that fookin oil? What…? It’s bloody not my turn.”

Refurbishment of Goodison still on track.

Work on the refurbishment of Goodison Park continues to progress at breakneck speed. Contractors have been working several minutes a day for just under a quarter of a year to keep pace with the strict deadlines imposed by the club. The latest images of the ground are testament to how far they have progressed, and show the Main Stand miraculously transformed from a large bare grey-metal structure to a large bare grey-metal structure with several pieces of blue cladding on.

The renovations are due to be complete before the blues play their first home game of the season at their new stadium, or before Goodison collapses.

Everton sack PR Department.

Everton have decided to sack their PR department. The move comes as part of a cost cutting exercise being implemented by the club.

All announcements will now be in the form of text messages sent to Sky Sports News buffoon Jim White who will act as Farhad Moshiri’s official mouthpiece. Other football related matters will be handled via Manager Ronald Koeman and fitness coach Jan Kluitenburg’s personal Twitter accounts.

The scheme has been in pilot for just under a month, and early indications are that there has been no impact to the quality of communications being issued.  Indeed, fans of the club have confirmed that just like before – they still have no idea whatsoever what is going on at the club.

Local newspaper The Liverpool F.C. ECHO have also given their approval to the scheme:

We barely print anything Everton related anyway, such as the club donating £200,000 to a sick child’s charity, so it doesn’t bother us. Have you seen Liverpool’s new main stand?

New club spokesman Jim White was available for comment but we couldn’t be arsed listening to him.

Stones now the best defender ever.

John Stones is now the best defender ever. In a period of just four weeks, the youngster has completely turned around his error strewn game – just by signing for Manchester City; confirm the media.

I’ve learnt that occasionally you need to put the ball in Row Z“, said the England international, “which is just something I wasn’t told every week by 37,000 Evertonians.” Successfully clearing your lines when under pressure is something that no other defender in the world does, and is the thing that sets the Yorkshireman apart from his peers.

Stones felt he had to depart Goodison in 2015, and again in 2016 – in order to keep improving his game, having stagnated under the completely inept Roberto Martinez.

I couldn’t face another season under Roberto, even though he had already been sacked and replaced by Ronald Koeman, so felt it was time to move on. Manchester City came calling and it gave me the chance to earn a massive salary, and work with Pep Guardiola.

The lure of Manchester City, a club who have been champions of England an astonishing four times, and the chance to learn from Guardiola, rather then Koeman – a player and manager with no pedigree in the art of defending was too good to refuse. Inclusion in Sam Allardyce’s first England squad has also justified the players decision.

It’s amazing to be selected by England. We have a glut of astounding central defenders at the moment. To be chosen to play ahead of guys like Phil Jones and Chris Smalling, who are regarded as legends at Manchester United is obviously a great honour. I’m part of a golden generation of defenders.

Kone shirt recall.

If Everton complete the signing of Lamine Kone from Sunderland tomorrow, then the name on Arouna Kone’s number 9 shirt will be changed from ‘KONE’ to ‘A. KONE’. The club have confirmed that they will re-letter any kits brought back into either of the Everton megastores by fans free of charge. Early indications are that no kits will be affected by the change.