If Everton complete the signing of Lamine Kone from Sunderland tomorrow, then the name on Arouna Kone’s number 9 shirt will be changed from ‘KONE’ to ‘A. KONE’. The club have confirmed that they will re-letter any kits brought back into either of the Everton megastores by fans free of charge. Early indications are that no kits will be affected by the change.
Evertonians are being left bewildered by feelings of genuine optimism. With investment, plans afoot for a new stadium, and a manager and majority shareholder who actually know what they’re doing, there are real signs of intent that Everton are striving to become a force once more in English football. This has left many supporters angry and confused.
“I’ve had bucketful’s of false optimism before“, said Alan Belm of Wavertree, “Qualifying for the Champions League, decent FA Cup runs, the first season under Martinez. But these have all been quickly dashed by things like Villarreal, negative tactics, and the realisation that Martinez was fucking useless. This situation’s a lot more worrying. There better be some calamitous Evertonesque fuck-up over the international break to put things right. Where’s Bill while all this has been going on? Is he just going to stand by and let this happen?”
Patrick Munt from Childwall added, “This morning I didn’t dread checking the football news online. I watched Match of the Day again the other night – and I’m not embarrassed about going into work. This isn’t what I signed up for. It’s no longer the club I know and love. If something doesn’t change soon I’m seriously thinking of starting to follow West Ham.”
Everton plan to disband their scouting network. That is the proposal put forward by new Director of Football Steve Walsh.
The blues are one of the few Premier League teams who actually bother scouting players. Walsh believes that this is far too expensive, time consuming and is ultimately sick of other clubs bidding for players that he has identified.
Everton will now move to the more modern system of just letting other people do the work for them. A model successfully pioneered by Harry Redknapp and currently favoured by teams such as West Ham and Arsenal.
The supremo confirmed, “Can’t be arsed any more. Going forward we’ll just check Twitter and throw a bid in for any players identified by other clubs. Except Liverpool obviously. I haven’t totally lost the plot.”
The distinct lack of transfer activity in this window has been caused by delusional players demanding Champions League football it emerged earlier.
A report has surfaced which confirms that every football player currently plying his trade in any tinpot league in Europe believes that they should in fact be playing for a team in this seasons Champions League.
“I’ve scored a dozen goals in the last two seasons, against a load of part-time defenders. And I’ve won a cap for my country in a friendly against Liechtenstein. If that doesn’t qualify me to be on the receiving end of three Wednesday night drubbings by a top team in Europe, before having to play a further sixty eight fixtures in the Europa League; I don’t know what does. I’ve spoken to my agent who is working to secure me a move to any team in this seasons Champions League. I don’t want to have to qualify for it – other people can do that“, said every player earlier.
Everton have made a dozen new signings but had forgotten to announce them it emerged today. Panic had been rife amongst supporters on social media due to a perceived lack of transfer activity, with only Maarten Stekelenburg, Idrissa Gueye and Ashley Williams unveiled to the fans. However, it seems those fears were misplaced and that all of the other players that the club had been linked with over the summer are also signed and waiting to be unveiled.
Chief Executive Robert Elstone explained, “As a club we decided to pursue a program of streamlining our communication initiatives. We basically no longer communicate with the fans. They’ve got Twitter and they can follow potential signings around and stuff. Even if they’re just innocently off to The Asda. We’ve started doing snazzy graphics though – accompanied by a statement that a new player has made. That’s part of the problem. Some players, particularly the ones who aren’t Belgian, are pretty quiet so we have to wait until they’ve said something good about the club before we can get onto the graphics department. Some of the new guys are proving to be a problem. Koulibaly thought he’d signed for Chelsea, Carvalho just stares at the wall and Juan Mata spends most of the day crying. I’m hoping there’s some movement before the Spurs game, but these things can take time. Juan Roman Riquelme’s been locked in the Alex Young Suite since 1998.“
The Galatasaray scout who identified Oumar Niasse as a potential signing for the club has been sectioned under the Turkish mental health act.
First team manager Jan Olde Riekerink elaborated, “I asked him to find me a striker for next season and he started going on about this guy at Everton. How he was their third most expensive signing, had tried an overhead kick once, and had overcome this potentially career threatening sore wrist. He’d also scored a dozen goals in the Russian League against top quality opposition like Grozny Ultravox and Sigue Sigue Sputnik. I asked him who it was and when he told me it was Oumar Niasse I immediately alerted the authorities. He was escorted off the training ground shouting something about a YouTube highlights reel. Who in their right mind signs a player based on a YouTube highlights reel?”
In other news, Roberto Martinez continues to be linked with the vacant Hull City manager’s position.
Fans of Everton, Chelsea, Juventus and Napoli were in direct competition today over who could give less of a crap over the protracted transfer of Axel Witsel. The ridiculously barnetted Belgian who has been linked with moves to all four clubs for over eight weeks, is still to decide on his future.
Witsel, who moved to Zenit St Petersburg in the Russian league in 2012, purely for footballing reasons, wanted to test himself against the worlds’ top players like Aiden McGeady and Oumar Niasse. Sources close to the player say his priorities may have now changed, and he may prefer a bumper payday instead. The only certainty in the protracted farce being the players desire to infuriate all parties involved, and to bore fans of the respective clubs to bits having to see his name continually linked with them for the entire summer.
With Juventus involved in the long-running Paul Pogba saga, both Italian teams involved in the transfer of Gonzalo Higuain, and Chelsea able to successfully sign anyone they like, it is thought that fans of Everton – with no other transfers to distract them, could move into pole position as the group most likely to be completely bored shitless by the whole thing.
With a hat-trick of failed ground moves in recent years to the Kings Dock, Kirkby and Walton Hall Park, there was hope amongst Evertonian’s that the recent proposals to move to either Stonebridge Cross or the North Docks could collapse just as quickly. However, those plans now look to have been derailed by Everton majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri. Confirmation emerged this week of a successful meeting between the Iranian kingpin and Liverpool City Council leader Fred Elliott. Though not connected to the club in any way, Elliott felt the need to comment on the clubs business affairs once more, tweeting both his love for Moshiri, and how he believed the club could feasibly be in a new state of the art stadium before the end of the month.
Everton fan Bill Grumble grumbled, “I’m very concerned to hear about these positive talks with the council, and how funding is no issue. There are real concerns that one of these proposals may actually go ahead. By now, these plans should have gone down the pan and we should be looking at other brownfield sites in which not to build a ground. Who does this Moshiri guy think he is – coming into our club with his vision, money and business acumen? Driving us forward – it’s not the Everton way.” Bill Kenwright was available for comment.
Cultured defender John Stones isn’t cultured after all it emerged today. It had long been assumed that due to the overpriced defenders ability to pass a ball, he would naturally have an interest in literature and the arts. However, this has proven not to be the case, with reports today indicating that rather than a passion for opera and classical music, Stones is more interested in The X Factor, Coronation Street and titting about unnecessarily at the back.
Emerging from a Chopin piano recital at The Barbican, Rio Ferdinand commented, “This truly is an ignominy. One had assumed Stones was a fellow man of letters. One feels beguiled, duped, hoodwinked and merced.”
Stones himself was unavailable for comment, though sources close to the massively overrated defender said he was at home struggling with the concept of submitting a transfer request.
There was increased speculation today that Christian Chivu won’t be linked to Everton. The Romanian left-back, who retired from professional football in 2014 captained Koeman’s successful Ajax team in the early 2000’s, before moving to Italy with Roma and Inter. If reports are correct, this would make him the only player that Koeman has previously managed not to be linked with a move to the blues.
Speaking through Romanian media, Chivu stated: “It’s disappointing not to be linked to Everton. I can only hope it’s an oversight of the UK press, or Everton’s strength in the left-back position that has seen me overlooked. The fact that I’ve been retired for two years shouldn’t have been a blocker to some half-arsed story about a €25 – €30 million move for me to the club. I would also like to add, that like all of the players who have worked with Ronald, I have massive respect for him, and no intention of ever playing for him again.”