As tensions reached boiling point between supporters of Everton and the playing staff and manager, following a disastrous run of spineless performances; the Everton team decided it was time to deliver a hard-fought victory against title chasing Arsenal on Tuesday evening.
“I think we’d tested the fans patience enough. We weren’t sure how far we could push it, but Watford seemed like the tipping point. The Arsenal game felt like the right time to top-up the levels of false-optimism which had completely drained away from the start of the season. Especially with the derby being up next – it’s good they have some misplaced belief going into that. It seemed to work anyway, I saw them lapping it up online – talking about us having turned a corner, maybe even being able to beat Liverpool. All really funny stuff. Normal service will be resumed next week – don’t you worry about that,” said a player after the game. Phil Jagielka or someone, he’ll do.
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Ronald Koeman is set to be briefly re-united with his bitter, angry ex-partner at the weekend. The Dutchman, who ended their two year relationship in the summer, is due down south for a work engagement. His ex, meanwhile, continues to insist she isn’t bothered that he left, by spending every day crying about it on social media and every available online forum.
It is believed her issue lies with the fact that herself and Koeman had a joint trip to Europe planned this season. “I hardly ever get to go to Europe“, she weeped, “me and Ronnie had worked so hard for it as well. It was only a budget holiday, nothing special. How could he leave me when we were about to go to Europe? I mean, I know he’s been loads of times himself, and his new partner has also been loads of times before, and will again. But they’re not going this year – this specific year. I just don’t understand it? Surely me and my budget trip to Europe were a more attractive proposition – what a backwards or sideways step that is for him. I was an attractive proposition as well you know – once, for a minute, forty years ago.”
His new partner couldn’t quite understand what the fuss was about. Both they, and Koeman, see their relationship as a short term mutually beneficial arrangement. Maybe even with a trip to Europe planned at some point in the not too distant future.
Ex-footballer and long term friend of the couple Matt Le Tissier said something about the break-up, but no one really cared.
Ronald Koeman has accidentally been giving all of his team talks in Dutch, it emerged today. The bizarre revelation by the Goodison boss goes some way to explaining the poor performances by the blues so far this season. In an exclusive chat to bluespoof, he tried to clarify his confusion:
“I’d just been offered six million pounds a year. Eighteen million pounds over three years. And all they wanted was for me to try and push them towards the top four. I couldn’t believe it – talk about hitting the jackpot. I lost the plot for a while and just kept talking Dutch. I forgot where I was. Which is good if you’re the Everton boss.”
On the team talks themselves, he added: “I had no idea why they weren’t trying to do what I was asking. Every week I’d be telling them to press harder, play with more aggression and intensity, and just generally stop being completely shit. To an outsider, it might have looked like they were just ignoring me. That they were just a bunch of useless, over-paid, passionless, mediocre footballers with no professional pride. But on the contrary – they just didn’t understand me. Except Romelu – he speaks about twenty languages you know. He keeps telling me he could be the best at languages in the world.”
When asked why it had taken twelve league games for anyone to query the language problem, captain Phil Jagielka explained: “I’ve never been one to question anything. I thought I caught the gist of what he was asking me to do. Something about being really slow and shit, and to keep giving away penalties. When I wasn’t getting dropped I thought I must be doing the right thing. I’ve not had any defensive coaching for four years you know.“
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Roll up roll up, get ’em while crocks last…
Everton manager Ronald Koeman has dropped himself for this weekends clash with Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. It is the latest display of no nonsense management from the Dutchman, who explained his decision in today’s press conference:
“Though I performed well against West Ham last week, there have been a few flat performances from me in the games against Bournemouth and Burnley recently. Nobody is above the chop, and a weekend in the stands might be the kick-start I need to re-focus myself as we enter the second quarter of the season.”
Koeman’s brother Erwin is expected to deputise for the clash against the Londoners, if he isn’t dropped before kick off.
Some positive news for the club following the disappointing result at Turf Moor – Everton winger Yannick Bolasie now tops the Opta stats for most frustrating player. The Congolese international – who scored his first goal for the blues; put in another mixed display of aimless runs, misplaced passes and a clinical finish.
Reacting to the news, Bolasie commented, “It’s not easy trying to find that balance between moments of excellent play and periods of being completely dogshit, but I’ve been working really hard on it this season, and it’s starting to pay off. I like to think I’ve given the gaffer no idea whether I should be in the starting eleven or not.”
Teammate Gerard Deulofeu who has previously topped the same Opta chart, has fallen down the rankings this season. The Spaniard, having successfully eradicated all of the good parts from his play – no longer carries the burden of any fans’ expectations.
Bill Kenwright is tired of being referred to as Bill. That is the news from the corridors of power at Goodison Park. The blues Chairman believes there has been a lack of respect shown towards him since the arrival of majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri. In an excerpt of a phone conversation recorded with bluespoof, Bill aired his frustrations:
“I never thought anything of it until Mr Moshiri arrived. I assumed the fans would refer to him as Farhad as they always refer to me as Bill, or worse. But it’s all been Mr Moshiri this, Mr Moshiri that. I’m the bloody Chairman – why aren’t they calling me Mr Kenwright? I’m still the main man around this……..excuse me one second….. Yes Your Grace? A cup of chai and a kebab….? No problem at all. And a foot rub….? Really…? A foot rub…? Sorry your eminence – I meant no disrespect, I’m on the case….. Look I’ve got to go I’m a busy man, this club doesn’t run itself you know. Anyway, it’s Mr Kenwright from now on. Robert, Robert – where’s that fookin oil? What…? It’s bloody not my turn.”
Work on the refurbishment of Goodison Park continues to progress at breakneck speed. Contractors have been working several minutes a day for just under a quarter of a year to keep pace with the strict deadlines imposed by the club. The latest images of the ground are testament to how far they have progressed, and show the Main Stand miraculously transformed from a large bare grey-metal structure to a large bare grey-metal structure with several pieces of blue cladding on.
The renovations are due to be complete before the blues play their first home game of the season at their new stadium, or before Goodison collapses.