Transfer Window Survival Guide.

As another season peters out to nothing, and the Everton squad don their flip-flops and suncream within five minutes of being guaranteed seventh place in the league, the blessed relief of another transfer window lurks on the horizon.

Of course, in order to be able to enjoy it, it is customary to dispense with reality and adopt the required Evertonian mindset. As it’s been a few months since the last, here’s a reminder of the logic and mentality you will need to adopt in order to make the summer transfer window almost bearable:

Ignore the restrictions of Financial Fair Play – they don’t apply to Everton. We should not be shopping within our means. Demand that Moshiri spends billions on players. Anything short of billions and you should declare him a FRAUD on social media. GET OUT MOSHIRI – YOU FRAUD!

And naturally he should be spending his OWN MONEY. We’re not a charity – does he think WE should be paying for these elite players – get your wallet out FRAUD!

And yes – ELITE PLAYERS is what we should be demanding and attracting – we’re Everton. We won the league 30 years ago! If we’re linked with anyone who is merely good – LET THAT FRAUD KNOW THAT IT WON’T DO!

Ignore the very idea that we might be unappealing to some players, with offers from clubs in London or glamorous European cities, a genuine chance of silverware and the promise of Champions League football. We’re in the EUROPA LEAGUE. In mid-June, in front of the eyes of the world’s media, our new signing could be slotting one home past the fourth best team in Latvia.

Demand we get our business done early. Preferably the day the transfer window opens. If not, it’s probably best to query the clubs’ transfer policy. What have they been doing since January – have they not seen where we need strengthening!? Are we really not going to sign anyone!?

If any deal falls through – be it real or fictional – blame it on Kenwright and Elstone’s negotiating. Everyone outside of the club, who’s never been involved in, or sat through these negotiations, knows they’re incompetent and entirely to blame – KENWRIGHT OUT!

And don’t get yourself started on scouting of talent – you know who we should be signing, not those clowns in charge. Have they not been watching YouTube highlight reels?

Linked with another kid again? Moan that we’re buying kids. Linked with an established player. Moan about that. He’s what – twenty eight!? What the hell are we paying Steve Walsh for? What’s his role at the club anyway – THE FRAUD!

WALSH OUT!

EVERYONE OUT!

Except new players – ANYONE IN – ANYONE! PLEASE!

Happy transfer window everybody – see you in Latvia next month.

Blues focus on unsigned contracts.

With the unwelcome distraction of another football match out of the way, the media and fans of Everton can now focus on the only thing important at a football club – talking about players unsigned contracts.

Fans have become increasingly disillusioned in recent weeks with the media reporting on football matches, rather than attempting to sell or unsettle Everton players. In fact, the resurgent home form, such as this weekend’s 3-1 defeat of Burnley (the eighth consecutive victory at Goodison Park) has been the very distraction they needed to shift attention from off-field to on-field activities.

In his post-match interview, goal scorer Romelu Lukaku was quick to divert attention back from footballing to contract matters, “I don’t like to get bogged down in the playing of football. My job is to talk about my contract situation and not worry about what happens on the pitch – that’s for teammates and other people to be concerned with. I’m fully focused on talking about not signing my contract.

Soon to be out of contract Ross Barkley added, “I don’t want to get drawn in to talking about football. Not because I’d also rather be talking about not signing my contract, but because my jaw still really hurts.

New Everton football stadium could end up underwater thanks to kopites tears.

Everton Football Club’s plans to move from Goodison Park to a new stadium at Bramley Moore dock have caused surprise amongst the sustainable business model research community. Questions have been raised over the risk of sea level rise on the £300m waterfront stadium.

The exact implications of resentment on sea level rise are complex. There are simply too many variables. We don’t yet know how much heat will be generated off Jeff from West Derby as he fumes away to Roger Phillips on the Radio Merseyside phone in. It is also unclear how many tears will actually be shed as a piece of unused dockland, overflowing on a daily basis with dog walkers, kite flyers and children playing, is transformed into a state of the art stadium.

Researchers at Liverpool John Moores University predict that in as little as four years time, the thought of Everton playing in a new dockland stadium on Liverpool’s historic waterfront could cause sea levels to rise by as much as seven metres. That’s seven metres higher than it is now. To state something of no relevance to the study, Everton haven’t won a trophy since 1995.

One can only hope the developers of this new stadium have undertaken a full climate change risk assessment – or have stocked up on kleenex.

Lukaku doesn’t love Everton!

Everton striker Romelu Lukaku has shaken the world of football with several astounding revelations this evening. The prolific Belgian decided it was time to come clean after ‘living a lie for the best part of 20 years.‘ In an exclusive interview, he revealed to us the secrets and lies that have tormented him for so long:

He wasn’t a boyhood Evertonian!

The striker has always maintained that he was a boyhood Evertonian, and that he would spend weekends sat in the Gwladys Street watching his strike heroes Danny Cadamarteri and Tomasz Radzinski. When in reality he wasn’t! He doesn’t even know who they are!

He doesn’t care about the team!

Contrary to everything he’s ever said, about how much he cares about the team, his teammates, and the club in general – it turns out that he actually only cares about himself!

He doesn’t care about the fans!

The fans have idolised many players throughout Everton’s long and illustrious history. These players have worshipped the supporters back. However, the unique rapport that Lukaku shared with the Goodison faithful was unrivalled by any player who had gone before him. In the many games where he disappeared, or just walked around occasionally failing to trap a ball – you could feel the love. They loved him – and he loved them. Or so they thought – but that was a lie too – he didn’t give a shit!

He does want Champions League football!

Though continually stating that he has no interest in playing Champions League football, that he was happy having a crack at winning a Europa League place every other season, and that the sheer honour of playing for Everton Football Club was all he ever wanted – it turns out that he does want to play in the Champions League – very much so!

All of these revelations will come as a blow to many Evertonians, however please spare a thought for the many football media outlets who wanted nothing more than to see Lukaku stay and flourish at Everton. Our thoughts are with them all at this troubling time.

Echo continue to confuse football with boxing.

The Everton News section of local newspaper The Liverpool Echo have once again confused the sports of boxing and football. It seems that there is still a misunderstanding within the football editorial team that the boxer Tony Bellew is not a footballer, but in fact a boxer.  Further news on the upcoming title fight for the boxer Tony Bellew is once again appearing in the Everton news section, even though it’s a boxing match that the boxer Tony Bellew is taking part in, and not a football match – for Everton.

I thought it would be quite clear that he was a boxer, as they’re reporting on him preparing for a boxing match. But maybe they think he plays for, or manages Everton football club,” said Everton fan Mick Saveloy.

Maybe it’s because he supports Everton that they think we would give the slightest shit about it? If so, that’s a bit presumptuous isn’t it? I mean, my uncle also supports Everton, but he’s a completely boring bastard and no one would give a crap what he was up to.

In other Everton related news: Amanda Holden is looking forward to the next series of Britain’s Got Talent, Elton Welsby is still looking for work, and Keith in the accounts department plans to tidy up his allotment.

Tom Davies has the world at his feet.

Tom Davies was awarded the PFA Fans’ Player of the Month award for January, following his long-anticipated breakthrough into the Everton first team. The teenager has strung together a series of impressive performances for the club, since his first start of the season in the victory against Southampton.

U23 coach David Unsworth, who has overseen the development of the youngster from West Derby, believes he has what it takes to follow in the steps of other players who have made the transition from promising Academy talent to first teamer:

Tom can follow in the footsteps of the talent we have produced over the last 20 years, it’s really up to him. He could get into drugs and maybe crime, become terrible at football and just end up playing in League One. Alternatively, he could be really good, leave for a club in the Champions League – come back to Goodison, kiss someone else’s badge in front of the Gwladys Street as he’s being booed, anything really – he has the world at his feet.

Bill Kenwright also shared his thoughts on the youngster, but it involved several bouts of crying and 86,000 words which we couldn’t be bothered typing out.

Everton thinking of venturing into football.

The charity that is Everton Football Club is thinking of venturing into football.

An illustrious history has seen the charity complete many notable achievements, such as donating at least 4 points every season to Liverpool FC, giving generous contracts to clearly incompetent managers, and providing a lucrative income for the long-term injured and those with drug and alcohol problems.

They now feel that the time is right to diversify, and attempt to be successful at football. This isn’t the first time that they have embarked on such a venture. In fact, it has only been thirty years since the charity last made a concerted effort to try and be a force in the game. That wasn’t sustainable – mainly due to restrictions about trading in Europe. However, the new regime believe that there is now an opportunity to try once more.

Addressing concerns about football being a distraction, they have confirmed that their main focus will continue to be their charitable endeavours.

Koeman queries reputation on youth.

Everton’s fortunes have taken a turn for the better since the start of the year. The turnaround coinciding with Koeman  promoting players such as Tom Davies, Mason Holgate and Dominic Calvert-Lewin from the youth setup. However, the Dutchman still carries a reputation as a Manager with a reluctance to blood youth, which he queried:

I don’t know where this reputation has come from. I am always happy to bring younger players into the first team. It’s not like I didn’t have a choice is it. You could hardly say we were inactive in the summer transfer window, or that I inherited a squad full of old crocks that had just been walking around for the last two years. My hand wasn’t forced at all.

On the youth set-up at USM Finch Farm, he also added:

Just last week I bumped into Kevin Unsworth at the coffee machine, and I’ve met the other guy as well – Dave Sheedy, or whatever he’s called. Great guys, doing great jobs. I like to keep a close eye on how their teams are doing. Though I obviously haven’t seen them play – have you ever commuted back to Cheshire from Southport? It’s a nightmare, it’s not like I’m being paid £6m a year for the privilege!

Everton show newfound ruthless streak.

On the back of this weeks’ General Meeting, Everton showed their newfound ruthless streak by managing to exit both domestic cup competitions by the 7th January.

In stark contrast to last years cup exploits – which saw blues fans have to endure a protracted cup run as far as the semi-final in both the FA and League Cups, there have been no similar problems this year.  A capitulation at home to Leicester City, mean Koeman’s boys made light work of exiting both competitions early – winning only one game in either cup.

The result means Everton can now concentrate on their top priority of trying to keep hold of that exclusive seventh place in the premier league. And that Liverpool can make a new fucking banner.

Megatron revealed as new shirt sponsor.

The Decepticon leader and archenemy of Optimus Prime replaces Chang as the official shirt sponsor of Everton in a five year deal.

A sentient robotic life-form from the planet Cybertron, Megatron’s main business areas are focussed on transforming into a P38 handgun, a telescopic laser cannon, and waging war against the Autobots.

The club were unavailable for comment, but the shift in emphasis from sponsorship by a weak, tasteless, Asian beer to that of a robotic villain, alludes to a more ruthless streak being adopted by the club going forward.

The sponsorship deal also breaks new ground in it being the first ever between a Premiership club and a fictional Hasbro character.

More to follow.

Megatron

Megatron earlier.