Refurbishment of Goodison still on track.

Work on the refurbishment of Goodison Park continues to progress at breakneck speed. Contractors have been working several minutes a day for just under a quarter of a year to keep pace with the strict deadlines imposed by the club. The latest images of the ground are testament to how far they have progressed, and show the Main Stand miraculously transformed from a large bare grey-metal structure to a large bare grey-metal structure with several pieces of blue cladding on.

The renovations are due to be complete before the blues play their first home game of the season at their new stadium, or before Goodison collapses.

Everton sack PR Department.

Everton have decided to sack their PR department. The move comes as part of a cost cutting exercise being implemented by the club.

All announcements will now be in the form of text messages sent to Sky Sports News buffoon Jim White who will act as Farhad Moshiri’s official mouthpiece. Other football related matters will be handled via Manager Ronald Koeman and fitness coach Jan Kluitenburg’s personal Twitter accounts.

The scheme has been in pilot for just under a month, and early indications are that there has been no impact to the quality of communications being issued.  Indeed, fans of the club have confirmed that just like before – they still have no idea whatsoever what is going on at the club.

Local newspaper The Liverpool F.C. ECHO have also given their approval to the scheme:

We barely print anything Everton related anyway, such as the club donating £200,000 to a sick child’s charity, so it doesn’t bother us. Have you seen Liverpool’s new main stand?

New club spokesman Jim White was available for comment but we couldn’t be arsed listening to him.

Stones now the best defender ever.

John Stones is now the best defender ever. In a period of just four weeks, the youngster has completely turned around his error strewn game – just by signing for Manchester City; confirm the media.

I’ve learnt that occasionally you need to put the ball in Row Z“, said the England international, “which is just something I wasn’t told every week by 37,000 Evertonians.” Successfully clearing your lines when under pressure is something that no other defender in the world does, and is the thing that sets the Yorkshireman apart from his peers.

Stones felt he had to depart Goodison in 2015, and again in 2016 – in order to keep improving his game, having stagnated under the completely inept Roberto Martinez.

I couldn’t face another season under Roberto, even though he had already been sacked and replaced by Ronald Koeman, so felt it was time to move on. Manchester City came calling and it gave me the chance to earn a massive salary, and work with Pep Guardiola.

The lure of Manchester City, a club who have been champions of England an astonishing four times, and the chance to learn from Guardiola, rather then Koeman – a player and manager with no pedigree in the art of defending was too good to refuse. Inclusion in Sam Allardyce’s first England squad has also justified the players decision.

It’s amazing to be selected by England. We have a glut of astounding central defenders at the moment. To be chosen to play ahead of guys like Phil Jones and Chris Smalling, who are regarded as legends at Manchester United is obviously a great honour. I’m part of a golden generation of defenders.

Kone shirt recall.

If Everton complete the signing of Lamine Kone from Sunderland tomorrow, then the name on Arouna Kone’s number 9 shirt will be changed from ‘KONE’ to ‘A. KONE’. The club have confirmed that they will re-letter any kits brought back into either of the Everton megastores by fans free of charge. Early indications are that no kits will be affected by the change.


Supporters bewildered by genuine optimism.

Evertonians are being left bewildered by feelings of genuine optimism. With investment, plans afoot for a new stadium, and a manager and majority shareholder who actually know what they’re doing, there are real signs of intent that Everton are striving to become a force once more in English football. This has left many supporters angry and confused.

I’ve had bucketful’s of false optimism before“, said Alan Belm of Wavertree, “Qualifying for the Champions League, decent FA Cup runs, the first season under Martinez. But these have all been quickly dashed by things like Villarreal, negative tactics, and the realisation that Martinez was fucking useless. This situation’s a lot more worrying. There better be some calamitous Evertonesque fuck-up over the international break to put things right. Where’s Bill while all this has been going on? Is he just going to stand by and let this happen?

Patrick Munt from Childwall added, “This morning I didn’t dread checking the football news online. I watched Match of the Day again the other night – and I’m not embarrassed about going into work. This isn’t what I signed up for. It’s no longer the club I know and love. If something doesn’t change soon I’m seriously thinking of starting to follow West Ham.


Everton to disband scouting network.

Everton plan to disband their scouting network. That is the proposal put forward by new Director of Football Steve Walsh.

The blues are one of the few Premier League teams who actually bother scouting players. Walsh believes that this is far too expensive, time consuming and is ultimately sick of other clubs bidding for players that he has identified.

Everton will now move to the more modern system of just letting other people do the work for them. A model successfully pioneered by Harry Redknapp and currently favoured by teams such as West Ham and Arsenal.

The supremo confirmed, “Can’t be arsed any more. Going forward we’ll just check Twitter and throw a bid in for any players identified by other clubs. Except Liverpool obviously. I haven’t totally lost the plot.

Delusional players demand Champions League football.

The distinct lack of transfer activity in this window has been caused by delusional players demanding Champions League football it emerged earlier.

A report has surfaced which confirms that every football player currently plying his trade in any tinpot league in Europe believes that they should in fact be playing for a team in this seasons Champions League.

I’ve scored a dozen goals in the last two seasons, against a load of part-time defenders. And I’ve won a cap for my country in a friendly against Liechtenstein. If that doesn’t qualify me to be on the receiving end of three Wednesday night drubbings by a top team in Europe, before having to play a further sixty eight fixtures in the Europa League; I don’t know what does. I’ve spoken to my agent who is working to secure me a move to any team in this seasons Champions League. I don’t want to have to qualify for it – other people can do that“, said every player earlier.


Everton forget to announce signings.

Everton have made a dozen new signings but had forgotten to announce them it emerged today. Panic had been rife amongst supporters on social media due to a perceived lack of transfer activity, with only Maarten Stekelenburg, Idrissa Gueye and Ashley Williams unveiled to the fans. However, it seems those fears were misplaced and that all of the other players that the club had been linked with over the summer are also signed and waiting to be unveiled.

Chief Executive Robert Elstone explained, “As a club we decided to pursue a program of streamlining our communication initiatives. We basically no longer communicate with the fans. They’ve got Twitter and they can follow potential signings around and stuff. Even if they’re just innocently off to The Asda. We’ve started doing snazzy graphics though – accompanied by a statement that a new player has made. That’s part of the problem. Some players, particularly the ones who aren’t Belgian, are pretty quiet so we have to wait until they’ve said something good about the club before we can get onto the graphics department. Some of the new guys are proving to be a problem. Koulibaly thought he’d signed for Chelsea, Carvalho just stares at the wall and Juan Mata spends most of the day crying. I’m hoping there’s some movement before the Spurs game, but these things can take time. Juan Roman Riquelme’s been locked in the Alex Young Suite since 1998.

Galatasaray scout sectioned.

The Galatasaray scout who identified Oumar Niasse as a potential signing for the club has been sectioned under the Turkish mental health act.

First team manager Jan Olde Riekerink elaborated, “I asked him to find me a striker for next season and he started going on about this guy at Everton. How he was their third most expensive signing, had tried an overhead kick once, and had overcome this potentially career threatening sore wrist. He’d also scored a dozen goals in the Russian League against top quality opposition like Grozny Ultravox and Sigue Sigue Sputnik. I asked him who it was and when he told me it was Oumar Niasse I immediately alerted the authorities. He was escorted off the training ground shouting something about a YouTube highlights reel. Who in their right mind signs a player based on a YouTube highlights reel?

In other news, Roberto Martinez continues to be linked with the vacant Hull City manager’s position.

Fans bored stiff by Witsel saga.

Fans of Everton, Chelsea, Juventus and Napoli were in direct competition today over who could give less of a crap over the protracted transfer of Axel Witsel. The ridiculously barnetted Belgian who has been linked with moves to all four clubs for over eight weeks, is still to decide on his future.

Witsel, who moved to Zenit St Petersburg in the Russian league in 2012, purely for footballing reasons, wanted to test himself against the worlds’ top players like Aiden McGeady and Oumar Niasse. Sources close to the player say his priorities may have now changed, and he may prefer a bumper payday instead. The only certainty in the protracted farce being the players desire to infuriate all parties involved, and to bore fans of the respective clubs to bits having to see his name continually linked with them for the entire summer.

With Juventus involved in the long-running Paul Pogba saga, both Italian teams involved in the transfer of Gonzalo Higuain, and Chelsea able to successfully sign anyone they like, it is thought that fans of Everton – with no other transfers to distract them, could move into pole position as the group most likely to be completely bored shitless by the whole thing.