No way is that a red. This Richarlison is some player. Can we finish a match with eleven men some time this season? What’s going on – these signings are actually good? West Ham – seriously? Robbed there. What a goal Siggi – but no more penalties. Bernard’s going to be a world beater. Stop pissing about in the League Cup! We’ve won away! Bernard’s struggling isn’t he. Where’s Gomes and Mina? We’ll never beat the ‘Big 6.’ Seamus reads social media. Gomes does exist! And he’s brilliant too! Theo and Cenk have gone shit. I’m falling in love with Andre Gomes. Start Lookman. We’re actually starting to look good. Don’t start Lookman – he’s better as a sub. We could get top 6 this season. The Andre Gomes pictures on my desktop and constant appearances in my search history? Nothing to worry about love – it’s just erm, research. What – the – fuck – were you thinking there? We’ll beat these two. We didn’t beat these two. I said no more penalties for you. There’s no way we’ll finish top 6 this season.
Andre Gomes capped off a fine debut performance for Everton last weekend by being the first Everton midfielder in just over a year and a half to successfully play a forward pass.
Morgan Schneiderlin Mark I was the last player to achieve such a feat, though his pass was possibly accidental. It was also an act never to be repeated, as the pre-season upgrade to the Schneiderlin Mark II model disabled the forward pass feature along with the settings for effort, desire and ability.
This weekend’s trip to Manchester will give the bearded Portuguese heartthrob a chance to repeat the feat, and the apathetic Frenchman a slim chance of warming the bench – if that also isn’t too much trouble for him.