Ashley Williams is to receive a custom made kit for the rest of the season. The kit will feature an extra-long polo neck which will cover his entire face.
Manufacturers Umbro had noted that on several occasions, the clueless defender had been trying to pull his shirt over his face whenever one of his horrendous mistakes led to a goal. The new kit aims to eliminate that problem, leaving his face permanently covered – and Williams unable to see anything happening in front of him. The Everton coaching staff believe that the loss of vision that Williams will face, will not have any further negative impact on his play.
It is thought that given the dross football that has been served up this season so far. The kit could actually be a big seller with fans unlucky enough to be within Goodison on a match day.
Concerns have been raised over Mark Lawrenson’s wellbeing after he predicted Everton to win. The dour football pundit with a penchant for the word ‘moment’ has been predicting Premiership results on the BBC website for the past fifty years, and has only once predicted anything but defeat for the blues (a draw against an already relegated Derby County in 2008). However, this weekend Lawrenson predicted that Everton would beat Burnley by two goals to one.
Immediately, this drew concern amongst his punditry colleagues. His mentee, Danny Murphy said ‘Lawro would rightly never predict an Everton win. As someone working in the media, he has a strict mandate to remain unbiased and consistent. He’s done this brilliantly over the years. You only have to look back at his previous predictions to see that he has said Everton will get beaten by a different score every week, and that Liverpool will win by anything from two to six goals. He has the full support of everyone within punditry circles, particularly having played or worked with all of us at some point whilst at Liverpool FC.”
The BBC, BT Sport and Sky, were quick to distance themselves from any accusations of bias, publishing a statement of support from their pundits Steven Gerrard, Jamie Carragher, Michael Owen, Jason McAteer, Robbie Fowler, Steve McManaman and Jamie Redknapp who all took time from their busy schedules of tirelessly promoting the cause of Liverpool FC to wish Lawrenson well.
Lawrenson himself said it was simply a mistake. “I realised the moment I submitted my scores that I’d made a mistake. I meant to say six nil to Burnley, or whoever it is they’re playing. And eight nil to Liverpool, if they’re playing this week.”
James McCarthy’s inclusion in the Everton squad has irked his international manager Martin O’Neill. The Republic of Ireland midfielder has not only been called-up, but selected by Ronald Koeman during Everton’s pre-season schedule.
Controversially, FIFA rules state that if called-up by his domestic club, he is expected to represent them – even though they only pay his wages and have him contractually tied to the club.
O’Neill was rightly furious at the situation, and was quick to express his anger, “I think it’s a disgrace that he has had to travel out to Holland and Belgium with the Everton squad. He met up with the team several times last season – it’s a joke. Is he even injured at the moment? What use is he in the squad without a hamstring injury?”
Roy Keane was walking his dogs and unavailable for comment. But he would have just said something with the aim of trying to irk someone, like the tragic character he has become.
Keane earlier. Possibly the 1800’s.
Following a period of extensive research on social media, scientists have now concluded that it takes an average of four months for Everton supporters to forget that Gerard Deulofeu is terrible.
The 23 year old, who joined AC Milan on loan during the January transfer window, looks set to return to the blues this summer. Prior to his departure, he put in a series of inconspicuous and frustrating performances for the toffees, which meant little sleep was lost when the winger was shipped out.
Scientists observed, that exactly four months later – fans once more believed that the Spaniard could be effective in the Premiership, that he wasn’t a one-trick show pony, and most bafflingly of all – that he would one day last more than sixty minutes of a game before collapsing on the pitch like an asthmatic pensioner who smokes his way through fifty a day.
Sources close to the player believe that the inconsistent winger himself hopes to revive his Everton career, after seeing the club recently announce a new deal for the inconsistent winger Kevin Mirallas.
Ross Barkley has been advised to wait for interest, before putting pen to paper on a new contract with Everton Football Club. Not interest from other clubs, but interest from the general match going public as to whether he actually decides to stay or not.
Various distractions such as a general election, the sun coming out, and the fact that his will-he-won’t-he stay debacle has ran on for the best part of a season has meant that most fans have pretty much given up caring as to whether he stays or not.
His advisors also think he may have missed the boat, “With hindsight, maybe we should have told him to sign during the last six weeks of the season – when literally nothing was happening at the club – particularly on the pitch. Instead we just posted the odd photo on Instagram, and got him to pose with cans of Sure deodorant.”
With the transfer window about to open again, Evertonians are once again more interested in who they will be linked with, and ultimately fail to sign, than they are with players already at the club.
“Maybe in mid-August when the club have failed to bring in absolutely anyone of note and the fans are desperate for any good news we could pick it up again – post a cryptic message on social media or something”, said some completely annoying tit from the Barkley camp.
With the unwelcome distraction of another football match out of the way, the media and fans of Everton can now focus on the only thing important at a football club – talking about players unsigned contracts.
Fans have become increasingly disillusioned in recent weeks with the media reporting on football matches, rather than attempting to sell or unsettle Everton players. In fact, the resurgent home form, such as this weekend’s 3-1 defeat of Burnley (the eighth consecutive victory at Goodison Park) has been the very distraction they needed to shift attention from off-field to on-field activities.
In his post-match interview, goal scorer Romelu Lukaku was quick to divert attention back from footballing to contract matters, “I don’t like to get bogged down in the playing of football. My job is to talk about my contract situation and not worry about what happens on the pitch – that’s for teammates and other people to be concerned with. I’m fully focused on talking about not signing my contract.”
Soon to be out of contract Ross Barkley added, “I don’t want to get drawn in to talking about football. Not because I’d also rather be talking about not signing my contract, but because my jaw still really hurts.”
Everton Football Club’s plans to move from Goodison Park to a new stadium at Bramley Moore dock have caused surprise amongst the sustainable business model research community. Questions have been raised over the risk of sea level rise on the £300m waterfront stadium.
The exact implications of resentment on sea level rise are complex. There are simply too many variables. We don’t yet know how much heat will be generated off Jeff from West Derby as he fumes away to Roger Phillips on the Radio Merseyside phone in. It is also unclear how many tears will actually be shed as a piece of unused dockland, overflowing on a daily basis with dog walkers, kite flyers and children playing, is transformed into a state of the art stadium.
Researchers at Liverpool John Moores University predict that in as little as four years time, the thought of Everton playing in a new dockland stadium on Liverpool’s historic waterfront could cause sea levels to rise by as much as seven metres. That’s seven metres higher than it is now. To state something of no relevance to the study, Everton haven’t won a trophy since 1995.
One can only hope the developers of this new stadium have undertaken a full climate change risk assessment – or have stocked up on kleenex.
Everton striker Romelu Lukaku has shaken the world of football with several astounding revelations this evening. The prolific Belgian decided it was time to come clean after ‘living a lie for the best part of 20 years.‘ In an exclusive interview, he revealed to us the secrets and lies that have tormented him for so long:
He wasn’t a boyhood Evertonian!
The striker has always maintained that he was a boyhood Evertonian, and that he would spend weekends sat in the Gwladys Street watching his strike heroes Danny Cadamarteri and Tomasz Radzinski. When in reality he wasn’t! He doesn’t even know who they are!
He doesn’t care about the team!
Contrary to everything he’s ever said, about how much he cares about the team, his teammates, and the club in general – it turns out that he actually only cares about himself!
He doesn’t care about the fans!
The fans have idolised many players throughout Everton’s long and illustrious history. These players have worshipped the supporters back. However, the unique rapport that Lukaku shared with the Goodison faithful was unrivalled by any player who had gone before him. In the many games where he disappeared, or just walked around occasionally failing to trap a ball – you could feel the love. They loved him – and he loved them. Or so they thought – but that was a lie too – he didn’t give a shit!
He does want Champions League football!
Though continually stating that he has no interest in playing Champions League football, that he was happy having a crack at winning a Europa League place every other season, and that the sheer honour of playing for Everton Football Club was all he ever wanted – it turns out that he does want to play in the Champions League – very much so!
All of these revelations will come as a blow to many Evertonians, however please spare a thought for the many football media outlets who wanted nothing more than to see Lukaku stay and flourish at Everton. Our thoughts are with them all at this troubling time.
The Everton News section of local newspaper The Liverpool Echo have once again confused the sports of boxing and football. It seems that there is still a misunderstanding within the football editorial team that the boxer Tony Bellew is not a footballer, but in fact a boxer. Further news on the upcoming title fight for the boxer Tony Bellew is once again appearing in the Everton news section, even though it’s a boxing match that the boxer Tony Bellew is taking part in, and not a football match – for Everton.
“I thought it would be quite clear that he was a boxer, as they’re reporting on him preparing for a boxing match. But maybe they think he plays for, or manages Everton football club,” said Everton fan Mick Saveloy.
“Maybe it’s because he supports Everton that they think we would give the slightest shit about it? If so, that’s a bit presumptuous isn’t it? I mean, my uncle also supports Everton, but he’s a completely boring bastard and no one would give a crap what he was up to.”
In other Everton related news: Amanda Holden is looking forward to the next series of Britain’s Got Talent, Elton Welsby is still looking for work, and Keith in the accounts department plans to tidy up his allotment.
Tom Davies was awarded the PFA Fans’ Player of the Month award for January, following his long-anticipated breakthrough into the Everton first team. The teenager has strung together a series of impressive performances for the club, since his first start of the season in the victory against Southampton.
U23 coach David Unsworth, who has overseen the development of the youngster from West Derby, believes he has what it takes to follow in the steps of other players who have made the transition from promising Academy talent to first teamer:
“Tom can follow in the footsteps of the talent we have produced over the last 20 years, it’s really up to him. He could get into drugs and maybe crime, become terrible at football and just end up playing in League One. Alternatively, he could be really good, leave for a club in the Champions League – come back to Goodison, kiss someone else’s badge in front of the Gwladys Street as he’s being booed, anything really – he has the world at his feet.”
Bill Kenwright also shared his thoughts on the youngster, but it involved several bouts of crying and 86,000 words which we couldn’t be bothered typing out.