Kevin Mirallas is trying to force his way into Marco Silva’s plans by putting in a series of good pre-season performances.
The Belgian snake (30) has also been muscling his way onto free-kick duties, and is relishing stealing the next penalty kick, whilst our spineless captain watches on in silence.
The pattern of a handful of decent performances followed by a period of sulking and down-tooling, is of course textbook Mirallas. However, it is not clear this time what his motivation is. Having arrived in Athens to a returning hero’s welcome, only to be chased back to the airport a few months later by a mob of seething Greeks, another dream-move to Olympiakos is no longer on the cards. Whilst Everton themselves are already well-stocked in the non-prolific striker and inconsistent winger departments.
Rumours around Finch Farm suggest that his motivation relates to a wager he is having with the equally ophidian Morgan Schneiderlin.
Wayne Rooney’s year long testimonial came to an end last week as he completed a deal to join MLS side D.C. United on a three and a half year contract.
The year long testimonial was arranged by chairman Bill Kenwright as a thank you for Rooney’s outstanding services to the club. It netted him approximately £8m pounds which he will either donate to his favourite charity or use to pay court injunctions and fines.
Deemed a club legend by assorted print media, Rooney appeared 85 times for the blues and clocked up an astonishing 28 goals, placing him a respectable nowhere on the clubs’ all time appearance and goalscoring charts.
The B&Q store in Speke’s New Mersey Retail Park faces closure following the sale of Ramiro Funes Mori to Villarreal.
Shares in the hardware giant fell rapidly following confirmation of the move, and it is suspected that up to one hundred permanent staff members could lose their jobs.
B&Q employee Barry Venison expressed his disappointment, “Mr Mori would be in here every day buying barbecue equipment by the trolley-load. It didn’t matter what the weather was like – nothing could stop him. He’d often be here, five minutes before we opened – slightly miss-timing it, kissing his loyalty card for no particular reason, with some kind of bun thing on his head – maybe because he liked burgers.”
The Argentinian, who has long expressed a desire to return to his homeland, finally saw his wish granted last week, as he secured a transfer to Villarreal in Spain – moving him at least 400 miles nearer to Buenos Aires.
Premier League fixtures for the 2018/19 season have been leaked ahead of their official release on the 14th June.
In what is now a customary ploy to destabilise the club and ensure the blues don’t break back into the top six, Everton have been handed a typically tough run of fixtures to start the season.
The blues will travel to the Bernabéu on the opening day to face European Champions Real Madrid, before a tough home fixture against Bayern Munich. They return to Spain a week later to take on Ernesto Valverde’s Barcelona, before a testing trip back in time for a game against the 1970 Brazil team at the Maracanã.
The second fixture at Goodison will see Everton take on a World Cup 2018 all-star eleven, whilst fans demand Marco Silva’s well-groomed head.
The football media has spent the weekend frothing at the mouth at the sight of a handful of Evertonians not wanting to accept mediocrity. Pundits, journalists, radio phone-in hosts and assorted experts in the world of football (some of whom have managed a football team for a handful of games, but all of which know a lot more about football than you), have extensively watched minutes of Everton highlights to conclude that the fans have no right to accept anything other than mediocrity.
“Everton have no right to try and break the dominance of the current big six,” said seventeen ex-Liverpool players without an agenda. “Who do they think they are – wanting to mix it with historical big-hitters like Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester City? They need to stick with Sam Allardyce. He’s as good as secured 8th place for them, and there’s no reason why he can’t do that again next year.”
It is hard to question their logic. Allardyce has completely turned around the fortunes of the club. When appointed earlier in the season, Everton were languishing thirty points adrift at the foot of the Premiership table, and almost overnight he turned them into the 1970 Brazil team. With a memorable draw away at Swansea, and a shot at home to Newcastle – the expensively assembled blues squad have consistently demolished Champions League standard opposition and stormed from lower mid-table to mid-table under his stewardship.
“There is no team in England who wouldn’t want Sam as their manager,” said another ex-red pundit, whist trying not to laugh, “I think he should be offered a contract extension.”
There is a race against time to fit a new scoreboard at Anfield in time for the Merseyside derby on Sunday.
The existing scoreboard only has the facility to register a double figure score for either team, and there are now legitimate concerns that it won’t be able to accommodate the cricket score that Liverpool aim to rack up against Everton’s defence.
The unwelcome scoreboard drama only adds to Liverpool’s woes going into the match, following the news earlier in the week that a consignment of ten thousand Liverpool / Steau Bucharest half and half scarves had been lost in the post.
Thankfully, both setbacks don’t seem to have dented the unmitigated smugness and cockiness pouring out of every supporter at any given opportunity.
The Europa League nightmare is almost over for Evertonians, with only one more game of BT Sport commentary and analysis to endure.
Blues fans have endured a torrid time in this season’s competition, with every game succumbing to the commentary of Ian Darke, Robbie Savage and Chris Sutton. The misery being further compounded by the expert analysis of Jermaine Jenas and Martin Keown.
To the clubs’ credit, they have done everything possible to spare supporters the pain – by trying to exit the competition as quickly as possible. A series of embarrassing performances, which has seen the team consistently battered by various European minnows, has successfully enabled them to crash out in the group stage.
Everton have decided that at some point in the near future it’s probably time to stop titting about. A spokesman confirmed the club’s new position:
“To be fair, I think it’s harsh to say we’ve been titting about. I mean, yes we’ve wasted a hundred million on unnecessary transfers we didn’t need, bought too many players that want to play in the same position, didn’t sign a replacement striker or replace an ageing defence, dithered over sacking a manager who had lost the plot, and didn’t have a plan in place when we did sack him.”
“Yes we may have humiliated ourselves with one of the worst ever campaigns in Europe, had players arsing about in training, playing badly, out of position, or just not trying. And okay, we haven’t got a clue what we’re going to do about the manager’s position. But at worst, all of that’s a bit of light-hearted banter.”
“We’ll sort it out in the near future. But it will be after the Merseyside derby – we won’t be cancelling that yearly pantomime for anyone.“
A red fir tree will be planted at Finch Farm to commemorate Ronald Koeman’s 16 month tenure at the helm of the blues.
Joel Waldron, Head of Academy Operations explained:
“All of the staff will have happy memories of Ronald Koeman’s time at Finch Farm. He was here up to two to three hours a day, doing whatever they did that passed as training – always happy to give you a frown. There was also that day when he once watched the Under 23’s play – we’ll always cherish that. This tree will serve as an apt reminder of his time here.”
Koeman himself has already started to look back fondly at his time spent at Everton:
“It was a pleasure to spend 16 months managing, erm – that team in blue, the erm, Caramels. I mean Fudges. Great times. Barcelona job. Massive payoff. Smashing.“
Ashley Williams is to receive a custom made kit for the rest of the season. The kit will feature an extra-long polo neck which will cover his entire face.
Manufacturers Umbro had noted that on several occasions, the clueless defender had been trying to pull his shirt over his face whenever one of his horrendous mistakes led to a goal. The new kit aims to eliminate that problem, leaving his face permanently covered – and Williams unable to see anything happening in front of him. The Everton coaching staff believe that the loss of vision that Williams will face, will not have any further negative impact on his play.
It is thought that given the dross football that has been served up this season so far. The kit could actually be a big seller with fans unlucky enough to be within Goodison on a match day.