Thousands of Evertonians are in meltdown over the clubs refusal to replicate last year’s summer transfer policy of signing anyone that they could find for any price that was asked.
The summer outlay of approximately £400m essentially landed Everton Jordan Pickford and an unmanageable wage bill.
Marcel Brands and Marco Silva have been much slower off the mark than previous incumbents Koeman and Walsh. The duo, bizarrely wanting to asses the current squad, and determine, which, if any of the 223 playing staff they want to retain before making any signings.
To outsiders it may seem that Brands has a difficult job on his hands, but with these minor additions to the starting eleven, Everton could easily break back into the Premier League’s Top 6:
LB: NEW SIGNING
CB: NEW SIGNING
CB: NEW SIGNING
RB: NEW SIGNING
LM: NEW SIGNING
CM: NEW SIGNING
CM: NEW SIGNING
RM: NEW SIGNING
S: NEW SIGNING
S: NEW SIGNING
A red fir tree will be planted at Finch Farm to commemorate Ronald Koeman’s 16 month tenure at the helm of the blues.
Joel Waldron, Head of Academy Operations explained:
“All of the staff will have happy memories of Ronald Koeman’s time at Finch Farm. He was here up to two to three hours a day, doing whatever they did that passed as training – always happy to give you a frown. There was also that day when he once watched the Under 23’s play – we’ll always cherish that. This tree will serve as an apt reminder of his time here.”
Koeman himself has already started to look back fondly at his time spent at Everton:
“It was a pleasure to spend 16 months managing, erm – that team in blue, the erm, Caramels. I mean Fudges. Great times. Barcelona job. Massive payoff. Smashing.“
No Ronnie in the September Manager of the Month vote. Typical anti-Everton bias.
Like just any old manager could have picked up a point in the Europa League.
Clarification has finally emerged over the reason Ross Barkley wanted to quit Everton this summer. It was thought initially, that the problems were on-field – with Everton set on (and ultimately signing) eight players who could play in his position, and the fact that unlike his predecessor, manager Ronald Koeman had asked him to run about. But it seems that with the return of Wayne Rooney to the club, Barkley could see his position as thickest player come under threat.
Rooney has clearly wanted to make an instant impact upon his return, putting forward a strong bid to re-stake his position as club idiot. The 31 year old hit the ground running, with rumours of marital infidelity and a drink driving charge already under his belt. Whilst this season, Barkley has offered little more than confusion over how to use a pen, and whether he had undergone a medical at Chelsea.
Everton had made it clear that they wanted Barkley to continue in his role. They adopted a slow, ponderous footballing style that suited him, and brought Rooney back to the club as a ‘cretin mentor’, not intending him to pick up the mantle of primary fool. However, it is now clear that Barkley wants to force through a move to Spurs in the January transfer window, where he feels he can take over the role currently filled by the Bruce Forsyth headed dunce Harry Kane.
Barkley himself was unavailable for comment, said to be working on a new colouring-in book.
James McCarthy’s inclusion in the Everton squad has irked his international manager Martin O’Neill. The Republic of Ireland midfielder has not only been called-up, but selected by Ronald Koeman during Everton’s pre-season schedule.
Controversially, FIFA rules state that if called-up by his domestic club, he is expected to represent them – even though they only pay his wages and have him contractually tied to the club.
O’Neill was rightly furious at the situation, and was quick to express his anger, “I think it’s a disgrace that he has had to travel out to Holland and Belgium with the Everton squad. He met up with the team several times last season – it’s a joke. Is he even injured at the moment? What use is he in the squad without a hamstring injury?”
Roy Keane was walking his dogs and unavailable for comment. But he would have just said something with the aim of trying to irk someone, like the tragic character he has become.
Keane earlier. Possibly the 1800’s.
The 2017/18 season will be Gareth Barry’s 40th season in professional football. The 57 year old now proudly holds the records for both slowest movement and most professional fouls in the Premiership era.
The veteran midfielder said, “I love the game and am happy to continue playing until the day someone realises I am contributing absolutely nothing to the team. I thought it might be last year, but no – still here, drawing a massive wage. Fantastic.”
Ronald Koeman was quick to heap praise, citing Barry’s experience as invaluable to the team:
“It’s experience above all else that Gareth brings to the table. When we’re being overrun by a young, dynamic midfield; Gareth is able to say – I’ve seen this happen before.”
Everton will play a pre-season friendly in Tanzania as part of the new sponsorship deal with African betting firm SportPesa. The blues will face Gor Mahia FC in the inaugural Guaranteed To Get Injured Via a Dodgy Pitch or Mistimed Tackle Cup.
The club, who in the 1990’s were unable to employ a qualified coach, and almost folded due to gross financial mismanagement – will face the fifteen time champions of Kenya.
Manager Ronald Koeman said he was looking forward to the fixture, but wished to stress that games at this stage of pre-season were less about results, and more about fitness and not being airlifted home with a career threatening injury.
The blues are expected to take a large travelling contingent to the Dar es Salaam Stadium for the game, with several coaches having departing County Road on 4th June, for the match on 13th July.
Everton’s fortunes have taken a turn for the better since the start of the year. The turnaround coinciding with Koeman promoting players such as Tom Davies, Mason Holgate and Dominic Calvert-Lewin from the youth setup. However, the Dutchman still carries a reputation as a Manager with a reluctance to blood youth, which he queried:
“I don’t know where this reputation has come from. I am always happy to bring younger players into the first team. It’s not like I didn’t have a choice is it. You could hardly say we were inactive in the summer transfer window, or that I inherited a squad full of old crocks that had just been walking around for the last two years. My hand wasn’t forced at all.”
On the youth set-up at USM Finch Farm, he also added:
“Just last week I bumped into Kevin Unsworth at the coffee machine, and I’ve met the other guy as well – Dave Sheedy, or whatever he’s called. Great guys, doing great jobs. I like to keep a close eye on how their teams are doing. Though I obviously haven’t seen them play – have you ever commuted back to Cheshire from Southport? It’s a nightmare, it’s not like I’m being paid £6m a year for the privilege!”
On the back of this weeks’ General Meeting, Everton showed their newfound ruthless streak by managing to exit both domestic cup competitions by the 7th January.
In stark contrast to last years cup exploits – which saw blues fans have to endure a protracted cup run as far as the semi-final in both the FA and League Cups, there have been no similar problems this year. A capitulation at home to Leicester City, mean Koeman’s boys made light work of exiting both competitions early – winning only one game in either cup.
The result means Everton can now concentrate on their top priority of trying to keep hold of that exclusive seventh place in the premier league. And that Liverpool can make a new fucking banner.
Tired of seeing no shots on target? See the game like Koeman – with Ronnie’s Chance Spex!