Tag Archives: koeman

Barkley fears over role at club.

Clarification has finally emerged over the reason Ross Barkley wanted to quit Everton this summer. It was thought initially, that the problems were on-field – with Everton set on (and ultimately signing) eight players who could play in his position, and the fact that unlike his predecessor, manager Ronald Koeman had asked him to run about. But it seems that with the return of Wayne Rooney to the club, Barkley could see his position as thickest player come under threat.

 Rooney has clearly wanted to make an instant impact upon his return, putting forward a strong bid to re-stake his position as club idiot.  The 31 year old hit the ground running, with rumours of marital infidelity and a drink driving charge already under his belt. Whilst this season, Barkley has offered little more than confusion over how to use a pen, and whether he had undergone a medical at Chelsea.

Everton had made it clear that they wanted Barkley to continue in his role. They adopted a slow, ponderous footballing style that suited him, and brought Rooney back to the club as a ‘cretin mentor’, not intending him to pick up the mantle of primary fool. However, it is now clear that Barkley wants to force through a move to Spurs in the January transfer window, where he feels he can take over the role currently filled by the Bruce Forsyth headed dunce Harry Kane.

Barkley himself was unavailable for comment, said to be working on a new colouring-in book.

McCarthy in controversial call-up.

James McCarthy’s inclusion in the Everton squad has irked his international manager Martin O’Neill. The Republic of Ireland midfielder has not only been called-up, but selected by Ronald Koeman during Everton’s pre-season schedule.

Controversially, FIFA rules state that if called-up by his domestic club, he is expected to represent them – even though they only pay his wages and have him contractually tied to the club.

O’Neill was rightly furious at the situation, and was quick to express his anger, “I think it’s a disgrace that he has had to travel out to Holland and Belgium with the Everton squad. He met up with the team several times last season – it’s a joke. Is he even injured at the moment? What use is he in the squad without a hamstring injury?

Roy Keane was walking his dogs and unavailable for comment. But he would have just said something with the aim of trying to irk someone, like the tragic character he has become.

Roy_Keane

Keane earlier. Possibly the 1800’s.

Gareth Barry: 40 seasons at the top.

Barry

The 2017/18 season will be Gareth Barry’s 40th season in professional football. The 57 year old now proudly holds the records for both slowest movement and most professional fouls in the Premiership era.

The veteran midfielder said, “I love the game and am happy to continue playing until the day someone realises I am contributing absolutely nothing to the team. I thought it might be last year, but no – still here, drawing a massive wage. Fantastic.

Ronald Koeman was quick to heap praise, citing Barry’s experience as invaluable to the team:

It’s experience above all else that Gareth brings to the table. When we’re being overrun by a young, dynamic midfield; Gareth is able to say – I’ve seen this happen before.

Blues boss relishes Tanzanian friendly.

Gor_Mahia_FC_(logo)

Everton will play a pre-season friendly in Tanzania as part of the new sponsorship deal with African betting firm SportPesa. The blues will face Gor Mahia FC in the inaugural Guaranteed To Get Injured Via a Dodgy Pitch or Mistimed Tackle Cup.

The club, who in the 1990’s were unable to employ a qualified coach, and almost folded due to gross financial mismanagement – will face the fifteen time champions of Kenya.

Manager Ronald Koeman said he was looking forward to the fixture, but wished to stress that games at this stage of pre-season were less about results, and more about fitness and not being airlifted home with a career threatening injury.

The blues are expected to take a large travelling contingent to the Dar es Salaam Stadium for the game, with several coaches having departing County Road on 4th June, for the match on 13th July.

Koeman queries reputation on youth.

Everton’s fortunes have taken a turn for the better since the start of the year. The turnaround coinciding with Koeman  promoting players such as Tom Davies, Mason Holgate and Dominic Calvert-Lewin from the youth setup. However, the Dutchman still carries a reputation as a Manager with a reluctance to blood youth, which he queried:

I don’t know where this reputation has come from. I am always happy to bring younger players into the first team. It’s not like I didn’t have a choice is it. You could hardly say we were inactive in the summer transfer window, or that I inherited a squad full of old crocks that had just been walking around for the last two years. My hand wasn’t forced at all.

On the youth set-up at USM Finch Farm, he also added:

Just last week I bumped into Kevin Unsworth at the coffee machine, and I’ve met the other guy as well – Dave Sheedy, or whatever he’s called. Great guys, doing great jobs. I like to keep a close eye on how their teams are doing. Though I obviously haven’t seen them play – have you ever commuted back to Cheshire from Southport? It’s a nightmare, it’s not like I’m being paid £6m a year for the privilege!

Everton show newfound ruthless streak.

On the back of this weeks’ General Meeting, Everton showed their newfound ruthless streak by managing to exit both domestic cup competitions by the 7th January.

In stark contrast to last years cup exploits – which saw blues fans have to endure a protracted cup run as far as the semi-final in both the FA and League Cups, there have been no similar problems this year.  A capitulation at home to Leicester City, mean Koeman’s boys made light work of exiting both competitions early – winning only one game in either cup.

The result means Everton can now concentrate on their top priority of trying to keep hold of that exclusive seventh place in the premier league. And that Liverpool can make a new fucking banner.

Koeman to visit bitter, angry ex-partner at weekend.

Ronald Koeman is set to be briefly re-united with his bitter, angry ex-partner at the weekend. The Dutchman, who ended their two year relationship in the summer, is due down south for a work engagement. His ex, meanwhile, continues to insist she isn’t bothered that he left, by spending every day crying about it on social media and every available online forum.

It is believed her issue lies with the fact that herself and Koeman had a joint trip to Europe planned this season. “I hardly ever get to go to Europe“, she weeped, “me and Ronnie had worked so hard for it as well. It was only a budget holiday, nothing special. How could he leave me when we were about to go to Europe? I mean, I know he’s been loads of times himself, and his new partner has also been loads of times before, and will again. But they’re not going this year – this specific year. I just don’t understand it? Surely me and my budget trip to Europe were a more attractive proposition – what a backwards or sideways step that is for him. I was an attractive proposition as well you know – once, for a minute, forty years ago.

His new partner couldn’t quite understand what the fuss was about. Both they, and Koeman, see their relationship as a short term mutually beneficial arrangement. Maybe even with a trip to Europe planned at some point in the not too distant future.

Ex-footballer and long term friend of the couple Matt Le Tissier said something about the break-up, but no one really cared.

Koeman to stop doing team talks in Dutch.

Ronald Koeman has accidentally been giving all of his team talks in Dutch, it emerged today. The bizarre revelation by the Goodison boss goes some way to explaining the poor performances by the blues so far this season. In an exclusive chat to bluespoof, he tried to clarify his confusion:

I’d just been offered six million pounds a year. Eighteen million pounds over three years. And all they wanted was for me to try and push them towards the top four. I couldn’t believe it – talk about hitting the jackpot. I lost the plot for a while and just kept talking Dutch. I forgot where I was. Which is good if you’re the Everton boss.

On the team talks themselves, he added: “I had no idea why they weren’t trying to do what I was asking. Every week I’d be telling them to press harder, play with more aggression and intensity, and just generally stop being completely shit. To an outsider, it might have looked like they were just ignoring me. That they were just a bunch of useless, over-paid, passionless, mediocre footballers with no professional pride. But on the contrary – they just didn’t understand me. Except Romelu – he speaks about twenty languages you know. He keeps telling me he could be the best at languages in the world.

When asked why it had taken twelve league games for anyone to query the language problem, captain Phil Jagielka explained: “I’ve never been one to question anything. I thought I caught the gist of what he was asking me to do. Something about being really slow and shit, and to keep giving away penalties. When I wasn’t getting dropped I thought I must be doing the right thing. I’ve not had any defensive coaching for four years you know.