No way is that a red. This Richarlison is some player. Can we finish a match with eleven men some time this season? What’s going on – these signings are actually good? West Ham – seriously? Robbed there. What a goal Siggi – but no more penalties. Bernard’s going to be a world beater. Stop pissing about in the League Cup! We’ve won away! Bernard’s struggling isn’t he. Where’s Gomes and Mina? We’ll never beat the ‘Big 6.’ Seamus reads social media. Gomes does exist! And he’s brilliant too! Theo and Cenk have gone shit. I’m falling in love with Andre Gomes. Start Lookman. We’re actually starting to look good. Don’t start Lookman – he’s better as a sub. We could get top 6 this season. The Andre Gomes pictures on my desktop and constant appearances in my search history? Nothing to worry about love – it’s just erm, research. What – the – fuck – were you thinking there? We’ll beat these two. We didn’t beat these two. I said no more penalties for you. There’s no way we’ll finish top 6 this season.
After the capture of Jordan Pickford and Davy Klaassen, normality has finally been restored with the protracted transfer of Sandro Ramirez.
The double swoop for the Sunderland stopper and Ajax captain left Evertonians in a rage – denied their obligatory soap opera, as for the first time in the clubs history, Everton moved quickly and effectively to tie up two transfers in the space of 24 hours. Lessons have been learnt following that mistake, and it is with much relief that the signing of the Spanish striker has now returned to the obligatory realm of farce. Everton fan Mike Sullen from Garston, raged:
“I was livid when we announced Pickford and Klaassen. They virtually came out of the blue. One minute we were linked with them, the next they were signed. It’s not a proper transfer window unless there’s fake sightings of a player in Liverpool, made up rumours on Twitter, medicals and fees agreed, and then Arsenal or someone in the Champions League gazumping us at the last minute. Thankfully this Sandro character seems to be messing us about. He looks like he gets the club. The transfer windows over the last 20 years have all been about theatre, I’m not sure why, it’s just how it is.”