No way is that a red. This Richarlison is some player. Can we finish a match with eleven men some time this season? What’s going on – these signings are actually good? West Ham – seriously? Robbed there. What a goal Siggi – but no more penalties. Bernard’s going to be a world beater. Stop pissing about in the League Cup! We’ve won away! Bernard’s struggling isn’t he. Where’s Gomes and Mina? We’ll never beat the ‘Big 6.’ Seamus reads social media. Gomes does exist! And he’s brilliant too! Theo and Cenk have gone shit. I’m falling in love with Andre Gomes. Start Lookman. We’re actually starting to look good. Don’t start Lookman – he’s better as a sub. We could get top 6 this season. The Andre Gomes pictures on my desktop and constant appearances in my search history? Nothing to worry about love – it’s just erm, research. What – the – fuck – were you thinking there? We’ll beat these two. We didn’t beat these two. I said no more penalties for you. There’s no way we’ll finish top 6 this season.
There is mounting discontent in and around Goodison as Everton’s squad of typically average players continue to put in average performances. Worryingly, Marco Silva – over the course of a full pre-season, has failed to transform the terrible signings of Koeman, Walsh and Allardyce into a side capable of challenging for the top four. Even the quality players signed by Moyes, though on their last legs, have somehow failed to rediscover the form they had several years ago when they were in their thirties and still able to run.
In addition to Silva’s inherited squad of over-priced, second-rate shite; several signings were made over the summer – but even these have failed to make an impact. Bernard has now played several minutes for the club without registering a goal, whilst both Mina and Gomes have made no difference whatsoever to the team. Yes, neither have yet played – but is that a good enough excuse?
The frustration felt by fans is magnified when a glance over the park sees resurgent neighbours Liverpool look like they could be valid contenders for second place in the Premier League. Klopp also has cup pedigree, and there is a strong belief that yet again he could deliver a runners-up place in one of the two remaining cups.
Meanwhile, back at Goodison there’s now a legitimate fear that Everton are heading for mid-table – a fate they have only endured 20 times since the formation of the Premier League.
Marco Silva will be bald by?
B) The end of the season
C) Leicester away
It’s been revealed that ‘fear of being loaned to Stoke’ is the key reason behind Everton’s apparent upturn in form.
Several of last seasons under-performers, including Morgan Schneiderlin, have put in noticeably better performances so far this season. The Frenchman confirmed:
“I was putting in a shift in against Southampton. Thankfully, I got injured after 20 minutes so I didn’t have to do it for the whole game – but for at least 20 minutes I was almost jogging about. The thought of having to play in front of Ashley Williams and Cuco Martina for another season terrified me.”
It’s rumoured that Marco Silva and Marcel Brands intend to put even more pressure on some of the fringe players this week. Talk that they’re prepared to go as far as threatening them with having to play under Tony Pulis at Middlesbrough should not be taken lightly by anyone on the clubs’ books.
Thousands of Evertonians are in meltdown over the clubs refusal to replicate last year’s summer transfer policy of signing anyone that they could find for any price that was asked.
The summer outlay of approximately £400m essentially landed Everton Jordan Pickford and an unmanageable wage bill.
Marcel Brands and Marco Silva have been much slower off the mark than previous incumbents Koeman and Walsh. The duo, bizarrely wanting to asses the current squad, and determine, which, if any of the 223 playing staff they want to retain before making any signings.
To outsiders it may seem that Brands has a difficult job on his hands, but with these minor additions to the starting eleven, Everton could easily break back into the Premier League’s Top 6:
LB: NEW SIGNING
CB: NEW SIGNING
CB: NEW SIGNING
RB: NEW SIGNING
LM: NEW SIGNING
CM: NEW SIGNING
CM: NEW SIGNING
RM: NEW SIGNING
S: NEW SIGNING
S: NEW SIGNING
Premier League fixtures for the 2018/19 season have been leaked ahead of their official release on the 14th June.
In what is now a customary ploy to destabilise the club and ensure the blues don’t break back into the top six, Everton have been handed a typically tough run of fixtures to start the season.
The blues will travel to the Bernabéu on the opening day to face European Champions Real Madrid, before a tough home fixture against Bayern Munich. They return to Spain a week later to take on Ernesto Valverde’s Barcelona, before a testing trip back in time for a game against the 1970 Brazil team at the Maracanã.
The second fixture at Goodison will see Everton take on a World Cup 2018 all-star eleven, whilst fans demand Marco Silva’s well-groomed head.