Tag Archives: transfers

Olympiacos fail to understand transfer system.

Mirallas

Olympiacos narrowly failed to sign Kevin Mirallas on transfer deadline day, due to the minor technicality of not actually submitting a bid for him.

The Greek champions were confused about how the transfer system worked. Following closure of the transfer window, club President Evangelos Marinakis said, “We didn’t realise we had to submit an actually monetary offer for Kevin, we just asked him to do his usual cry-arsing in the hope that would be enough. Turns out Everton wanted money.

Though often criticised throughout his Goodison career, Mirallas has consistently delivered in the cry-arsing stakes – often to most effect when being substituted after an anonymous display. Perhaps frustratingly for blues fans, his best cry-arsing performances have been whilst on international duty with Belgium – aided by the fact that he has been surrounded by an entire squad full of cry-arses.

Mirallas has now returned from the international break, and this weekend he will face the tough task of picking up a massive wage, driving a gold car, and looking for a new Olympiacos dummy to spit out.

Relief at protracted Sandro transfer.

After the capture of Jordan Pickford and Davy Klaassen, normality has finally been restored with the protracted transfer of Sandro Ramirez.

The double swoop for the Sunderland stopper and Ajax captain left Evertonians in a rage – denied their obligatory soap opera, as for the first time in the clubs history, Everton moved quickly and effectively to tie up two transfers in the space of 24 hours. Lessons have been learnt following that mistake, and it is with much relief that the signing of the Spanish striker has now returned to the obligatory realm of farce. Everton fan Mike Sullen from Garston, raged:

I was livid when we announced Pickford and Klaassen. They virtually came out of the blue. One minute we were linked with them, the next they were signed. It’s not a proper transfer window unless there’s fake sightings of a player in Liverpool, made up rumours on Twitter, medicals and fees agreed, and then Arsenal or someone in the Champions League gazumping us at the last minute. Thankfully this Sandro character seems to be messing us about. He looks like he gets the club. The transfer windows over the last 20 years have all been about theatre, I’m not sure why, it’s just how it is.

Barkley waiting for interest.

Ross Barkley has been advised to wait for interest, before putting pen to paper on a new contract with Everton Football Club. Not interest from other clubs, but interest from the general match going public as to whether he actually decides to stay or not.

Various distractions such as a general election, the sun coming out, and the fact that his will-he-won’t-he stay debacle has ran on for the best part of a season has meant that most fans have pretty much given up caring as to whether he stays or not.

His advisors also think he may have missed the boat, “With hindsight, maybe we should have told him to sign during the last six weeks of the season – when literally nothing was happening at the club – particularly on the pitch. Instead we just posted the odd photo on Instagram, and got him to pose with cans of Sure deodorant.

With the transfer window about to open again, Evertonians are once again more interested in who they will be linked with, and ultimately fail to sign, than they are with players already at the club.

Maybe in mid-August when the club have failed to bring in absolutely anyone of note and the fans are desperate for any good news we could pick it up again – post a cryptic message on social media or something”, said some completely annoying tit from the Barkley camp.

Transfer Window Survival Guide.

As another season peters out to nothing, and the Everton squad don their flip-flops and suncream within five minutes of being guaranteed seventh place in the league, the blessed relief of another transfer window lurks on the horizon.

Of course, in order to be able to enjoy it, it is customary to dispense with reality and adopt the required Evertonian mindset. As it’s been a few months since the last, here’s a reminder of the logic and mentality you will need to adopt in order to make the summer transfer window almost bearable:

Ignore the restrictions of Financial Fair Play – they don’t apply to Everton. We should not be shopping within our means. Demand that Moshiri spends billions on players. Anything short of billions and you should declare him a FRAUD on social media. GET OUT MOSHIRI – YOU FRAUD!

And naturally he should be spending his OWN MONEY. We’re not a charity – does he think WE should be paying for these elite players – get your wallet out FRAUD!

And yes – ELITE PLAYERS is what we should be demanding and attracting – we’re Everton. We won the league 30 years ago! If we’re linked with anyone who is merely good – LET THAT FRAUD KNOW THAT IT WON’T DO!

Ignore the very idea that we might be unappealing to some players, with offers from clubs in London or glamorous European cities, a genuine chance of silverware and the promise of Champions League football. We’re in the EUROPA LEAGUE. In mid-June, in front of the eyes of the world’s media, our new signing could be slotting one home past the fourth best team in Latvia.

Demand we get our business done early. Preferably the day the transfer window opens. If not, it’s probably best to query the clubs’ transfer policy. What have they been doing since January – have they not seen where we need strengthening!? Are we really not going to sign anyone!?

If any deal falls through – be it real or fictional – blame it on Kenwright and Elstone’s negotiating. Everyone outside of the club, who’s never been involved in, or sat through these negotiations, knows they’re incompetent and entirely to blame – KENWRIGHT OUT!

And don’t get yourself started on scouting of talent – you know who we should be signing, not those clowns in charge. Have they not been watching YouTube highlight reels?

Linked with another kid again? Moan that we’re buying kids. Linked with an established player. Moan about that. He’s what – twenty eight!? What the hell are we paying Steve Walsh for? What’s his role at the club anyway – THE FRAUD!

WALSH OUT!

EVERYONE OUT!

Except new players – ANYONE IN – ANYONE! PLEASE!

Happy transfer window everybody – see you in Latvia next month.

Blues focus on unsigned contracts.

With the unwelcome distraction of another football match out of the way, the media and fans of Everton can now focus on the only thing important at a football club – talking about players unsigned contracts.

Fans have become increasingly disillusioned in recent weeks with the media reporting on football matches, rather than attempting to sell or unsettle Everton players. In fact, the resurgent home form, such as this weekend’s 3-1 defeat of Burnley (the eighth consecutive victory at Goodison Park) has been the very distraction they needed to shift attention from off-field to on-field activities.

In his post-match interview, goal scorer Romelu Lukaku was quick to divert attention back from footballing to contract matters, “I don’t like to get bogged down in the playing of football. My job is to talk about my contract situation and not worry about what happens on the pitch – that’s for teammates and other people to be concerned with. I’m fully focused on talking about not signing my contract.

Soon to be out of contract Ross Barkley added, “I don’t want to get drawn in to talking about football. Not because I’d also rather be talking about not signing my contract, but because my jaw still really hurts.

Kone shirt recall.

If Everton complete the signing of Lamine Kone from Sunderland tomorrow, then the name on Arouna Kone’s number 9 shirt will be changed from ‘KONE’ to ‘A. KONE’. The club have confirmed that they will re-letter any kits brought back into either of the Everton megastores by fans free of charge. Early indications are that no kits will be affected by the change.

 

Everton to disband scouting network.

Everton plan to disband their scouting network. That is the proposal put forward by new Director of Football Steve Walsh.

The blues are one of the few Premier League teams who actually bother scouting players. Walsh believes that this is far too expensive, time consuming and is ultimately sick of other clubs bidding for players that he has identified.

Everton will now move to the more modern system of just letting other people do the work for them. A model successfully pioneered by Harry Redknapp and currently favoured by teams such as West Ham and Arsenal.

The supremo confirmed, “Can’t be arsed any more. Going forward we’ll just check Twitter and throw a bid in for any players identified by other clubs. Except Liverpool obviously. I haven’t totally lost the plot.

Delusional players demand Champions League football.

The distinct lack of transfer activity in this window has been caused by delusional players demanding Champions League football it emerged earlier.

A report has surfaced which confirms that every football player currently plying his trade in any tinpot league in Europe believes that they should in fact be playing for a team in this seasons Champions League.

I’ve scored a dozen goals in the last two seasons, against a load of part-time defenders. And I’ve won a cap for my country in a friendly against Liechtenstein. If that doesn’t qualify me to be on the receiving end of three Wednesday night drubbings by a top team in Europe, before having to play a further sixty eight fixtures in the Europa League; I don’t know what does. I’ve spoken to my agent who is working to secure me a move to any team in this seasons Champions League. I don’t want to have to qualify for it – other people can do that“, said every player earlier.