Tag Archives: transfers

Meltdown over transfer activity.

Thousands of Evertonians are in meltdown over the clubs refusal to replicate last year’s summer transfer policy of signing anyone that they could find for any price that was asked.

The summer outlay of approximately £400m essentially landed Everton Jordan Pickford and an unmanageable wage bill.

Marcel Brands and Marco Silva have been much slower off the mark than previous incumbents Koeman and Walsh. The duo, bizarrely wanting to asses the current squad, and determine, which, if any of the 223 playing staff they want to retain before making any signings.

To outsiders it may seem that Brands has a difficult job on his hands, but with these minor additions to the starting eleven, Everton could easily break back into the Premier League’s Top 6:


Allardyce to focus on midfield recruitment.

With a punishing schedule of almost twenty league games and an FA Cup tie to contend with, Everton manager Sam Allardyce will be desperate to strengthen his midfield options in the January transfer window – an area grossly neglected by Steve Walsh and his predecessor Ronald Koeman in the summer.

With Kieron Dowell on loan at Nottingham Forrest, and long term absentees Yannick Bolasie and Ross Barkley seemingly weeks away from a return, the blues boss only has Morgan Schneiderlin, Wayne Rooney, Kevin Mirallas, Aaron Lennon, James McCarthy, Idrissa Gueye, Gylfi Sigurdsson, Davy Klaassen, Mo Besic, Tom Davies, Nikola Vlasic, Ademola Lookman and Beni Baningime at his disposal.

Thankfully, there are some areas where he doesn’t need to be concerned. At left-back, right-back Cuco Martina will battle it out with right-back Cuco Martina and the injured ghost of Leighton Baines. Whilst upfront, both Dominic Calvert-Lewin and Oumar Niasse will compete for the sole position of club striker. It is expected than Sandro Ramirez will return to La Liga, but it was also expected that he wouldn’t be useless – so who knows how that will play out.

Olympiacos fail to understand transfer system.


Olympiacos narrowly failed to sign Kevin Mirallas on transfer deadline day, due to the minor technicality of not actually submitting a bid for him.

The Greek champions were confused about how the transfer system worked. Following closure of the transfer window, club President Evangelos Marinakis said, “We didn’t realise we had to submit an actually monetary offer for Kevin, we just asked him to do his usual cry-arsing in the hope that would be enough. Turns out Everton wanted money.

Though often criticised throughout his Goodison career, Mirallas has consistently delivered in the cry-arsing stakes – often to most effect when being substituted after an anonymous display. Perhaps frustratingly for blues fans, his best cry-arsing performances have been whilst on international duty with Belgium – aided by the fact that he has been surrounded by an entire squad full of cry-arses.

Mirallas has now returned from the international break, and this weekend he will face the tough task of picking up a massive wage, driving a gold car, and looking for a new Olympiacos dummy to spit out.

Relief at protracted Sandro transfer.

After the capture of Jordan Pickford and Davy Klaassen, normality has finally been restored with the protracted transfer of Sandro Ramirez.

The double swoop for the Sunderland stopper and Ajax captain left Evertonians in a rage – denied their obligatory soap opera, as for the first time in the clubs history, Everton moved quickly and effectively to tie up two transfers in the space of 24 hours. Lessons have been learnt following that mistake, and it is with much relief that the signing of the Spanish striker has now returned to the obligatory realm of farce. Everton fan Mike Sullen from Garston, raged:

I was livid when we announced Pickford and Klaassen. They virtually came out of the blue. One minute we were linked with them, the next they were signed. It’s not a proper transfer window unless there’s fake sightings of a player in Liverpool, made up rumours on Twitter, medicals and fees agreed, and then Arsenal or someone in the Champions League gazumping us at the last minute. Thankfully this Sandro character seems to be messing us about. He looks like he gets the club. The transfer windows over the last 20 years have all been about theatre, I’m not sure why, it’s just how it is.

Barkley waiting for interest.

Ross Barkley has been advised to wait for interest, before putting pen to paper on a new contract with Everton Football Club. Not interest from other clubs, but interest from the general match going public as to whether he actually decides to stay or not.

Various distractions such as a general election, the sun coming out, and the fact that his will-he-won’t-he stay debacle has ran on for the best part of a season has meant that most fans have pretty much given up caring as to whether he stays or not.

His advisors also think he may have missed the boat, “With hindsight, maybe we should have told him to sign during the last six weeks of the season – when literally nothing was happening at the club – particularly on the pitch. Instead we just posted the odd photo on Instagram, and got him to pose with cans of Sure deodorant.

With the transfer window about to open again, Evertonians are once again more interested in who they will be linked with, and ultimately fail to sign, than they are with players already at the club.

Maybe in mid-August when the club have failed to bring in absolutely anyone of note and the fans are desperate for any good news we could pick it up again – post a cryptic message on social media or something”, said some completely annoying tit from the Barkley camp.

Transfer Window Survival Guide.

As another season peters out to nothing, and the Everton squad don their flip-flops and suncream within five minutes of being guaranteed seventh place in the league, the blessed relief of another transfer window lurks on the horizon.

Of course, in order to be able to enjoy it, it is customary to dispense with reality and adopt the required Evertonian mindset. As it’s been a few months since the last, here’s a reminder of the logic and mentality you will need to adopt in order to make the summer transfer window almost bearable:

Ignore the restrictions of Financial Fair Play – they don’t apply to Everton. We should not be shopping within our means. Demand that Moshiri spends billions on players. Anything short of billions and you should declare him a FRAUD on social media. GET OUT MOSHIRI – YOU FRAUD!

And naturally he should be spending his OWN MONEY. We’re not a charity – does he think WE should be paying for these elite players – get your wallet out FRAUD!

And yes – ELITE PLAYERS is what we should be demanding and attracting – we’re Everton. We won the league 30 years ago! If we’re linked with anyone who is merely good – LET THAT FRAUD KNOW THAT IT WON’T DO!

Ignore the very idea that we might be unappealing to some players, with offers from clubs in London or glamorous European cities, a genuine chance of silverware and the promise of Champions League football. We’re in the EUROPA LEAGUE. In mid-June, in front of the eyes of the world’s media, our new signing could be slotting one home past the fourth best team in Latvia.

Demand we get our business done early. Preferably the day the transfer window opens. If not, it’s probably best to query the clubs’ transfer policy. What have they been doing since January – have they not seen where we need strengthening!? Are we really not going to sign anyone!?

If any deal falls through – be it real or fictional – blame it on Kenwright and Elstone’s negotiating. Everyone outside of the club, who’s never been involved in, or sat through these negotiations, knows they’re incompetent and entirely to blame – KENWRIGHT OUT!

And don’t get yourself started on scouting of talent – you know who we should be signing, not those clowns in charge. Have they not been watching YouTube highlight reels?

Linked with another kid again? Moan that we’re buying kids. Linked with an established player. Moan about that. He’s what – twenty eight!? What the hell are we paying Steve Walsh for? What’s his role at the club anyway – THE FRAUD!



Except new players – ANYONE IN – ANYONE! PLEASE!

Happy transfer window everybody – see you in Latvia next month.

Blues focus on unsigned contracts.

With the unwelcome distraction of another football match out of the way, the media and fans of Everton can now focus on the only thing important at a football club – talking about players unsigned contracts.

Fans have become increasingly disillusioned in recent weeks with the media reporting on football matches, rather than attempting to sell or unsettle Everton players. In fact, the resurgent home form, such as this weekend’s 3-1 defeat of Burnley (the eighth consecutive victory at Goodison Park) has been the very distraction they needed to shift attention from off-field to on-field activities.

In his post-match interview, goal scorer Romelu Lukaku was quick to divert attention back from footballing to contract matters, “I don’t like to get bogged down in the playing of football. My job is to talk about my contract situation and not worry about what happens on the pitch – that’s for teammates and other people to be concerned with. I’m fully focused on talking about not signing my contract.

Soon to be out of contract Ross Barkley added, “I don’t want to get drawn in to talking about football. Not because I’d also rather be talking about not signing my contract, but because my jaw still really hurts.

Kone shirt recall.

If Everton complete the signing of Lamine Kone from Sunderland tomorrow, then the name on Arouna Kone’s number 9 shirt will be changed from ‘KONE’ to ‘A. KONE’. The club have confirmed that they will re-letter any kits brought back into either of the Everton megastores by fans free of charge. Early indications are that no kits will be affected by the change.