As another season peters out to nothing, and the Everton squad don their flip-flops and suncream within five minutes of being guaranteed seventh place in the league, the blessed relief of another transfer window lurks on the horizon.
Of course, in order to be able to enjoy it, it is customary to dispense with reality and adopt the required Evertonian mindset. As it’s been a few months since the last, here’s a reminder of the logic and mentality you will need to adopt in order to make the summer transfer window almost bearable:
Ignore the restrictions of Financial Fair Play – they don’t apply to Everton. We should not be shopping within our means. Demand that Moshiri spends billions on players. Anything short of billions and you should declare him a FRAUD on social media. GET OUT MOSHIRI – YOU FRAUD!
And naturally he should be spending his OWN MONEY. We’re not a charity – does he think WE should be paying for these elite players – get your wallet out FRAUD!
And yes – ELITE PLAYERS is what we should be demanding and attracting – we’re Everton. We won the league 30 years ago! If we’re linked with anyone who is merely good – LET THAT FRAUD KNOW THAT IT WON’T DO!
Ignore the very idea that we might be unappealing to some players, with offers from clubs in London or glamorous European cities, a genuine chance of silverware and the promise of Champions League football. We’re in the EUROPA LEAGUE. In mid-June, in front of the eyes of the world’s media, our new signing could be slotting one home past the fourth best team in Latvia.
Demand we get our business done early. Preferably the day the transfer window opens. If not, it’s probably best to query the clubs’ transfer policy. What have they been doing since January – have they not seen where we need strengthening!? Are we really not going to sign anyone!?
If any deal falls through – be it real or fictional – blame it on Kenwright and Elstone’s negotiating. Everyone outside of the club, who’s never been involved in, or sat through these negotiations, knows they’re incompetent and entirely to blame – KENWRIGHT OUT!
And don’t get yourself started on scouting of talent – you know who we should be signing, not those clowns in charge. Have they not been watching YouTube highlight reels?
Linked with another kid again? Moan that we’re buying kids. Linked with an established player. Moan about that. He’s what – twenty eight!? What the hell are we paying Steve Walsh for? What’s his role at the club anyway – THE FRAUD!
Except new players – ANYONE IN – ANYONE! PLEASE!
Happy transfer window everybody – see you in Latvia next month.